Pop Quiz

I didn't want to put up the Christmas tree this year.  Seriously!  I wasn't being lazy or being Grinch like I promise.  But Calla really wanted to put the tree up.  She is 5 and the motherly guilt of depriving my baby of a traditional Christmas kicked in, so with Ingrid's help we hauled everything down from the barn, and put the stinkin thing up Friday.

No sir ree..... I was afraid this would happen:

And it did.  We took precautions.  It is sitting on Calla's desk up off the ground.  It is the smaller of the 2 trees we own, and my parents lent us this cool iron screen thing to hang stockings from and help to block it off.  Yeah, none of that worked.

So I ask you kind friends and family.  Who do you suppose knocked down Señor Tree 5 min. before I had to be at Nutcracker rehearsal last night and 10 min. after Dave walked in from a long work day in Estes Park?

The small child named after a large country?

or The Dipshit Dingo Dog?

Both are fine examples of why I didn't want to put up the freakin' tree in the first place.  In case you were wondering, everyone is ok and about 15 ornaments bit the dust.  Mostly ceramic and German glass ornaments.  Surprisingly the Waterford Crystal one from Ireland held up fine.  Bloody heavy sucker.  And thank God Elmo just lost a leg, because WWIII would have erupted had the red demon been damaged beyond amputation.

Needless to say it gave Dave a chance to decorate the tree this time around with the girls last night while I was gone.

I am also including the obligatory Thanksgiving Turkey Trot photo.  Not because it goes with this post, but because it doesn't really make sense to show you pictures of Thanksgiving after showing you pictures of our Christmas tree.  Even though Target has justified having Christmas up and running since Halloween.  Make sense to you?  No, me either?  Here is the damn photo anyway.

Can you tell Ingrid is the model and not me.  She struck a pose.  Everyone else is relaxed, and I look like I need to poop.  Ok, maybe I did.

XOXO, Me

P.S.  It isn't too late to get Nutcracker tickets.  If you are planning on going, email me, or text message me, and let me know what show you will be at.  I will try and come and see you at intermission without the Granny wig.

WTF Friday

I am loving Pinterest.  And after the hum dinger of a week we have had at work, this is about all my brain can handle.  Let's just say if you don't have employees who do stupid crap, consider yourself blessed.

So if you have had a week like mine, then you will appreciate these photos.  And no, none of them are my employees, but if you would like to chat about them, PM me and we will commiserate my friends.   

Let's start with this. 

 WTF is this, how is the kid supported, and how the hell do you put it on? I must admit, I peed a bit last night when I saw this.  Something about the expression on the kids face.  How that is enjoyable is beyond me.  Takes swaddling to a whole new level.

Ok, now I know this is digitally enhanced, but it is wrong on so many levels

Hi Todd and Jess!  Happy Thanksgiving, hope you are having a grand ol' time.  When you come home, I am not the one to blame if your llamas happen to look like this.   :)

Um....Caution may cause chafing if sitting for long amounts of time while hiding from your children to look at Pinterest because it is the only 5 min. of peace you get to yourself during the day.

Why????  What purpose does this serve.  Only to fog up the screen.  Maybe if you are having trouble paying attention try turning off the tv genius.  Another reason I don't own turtlenecks.

I would imagine if the Target lady in the track suit and heels had nails this is what they would look like.  Seeing as I don't have any nails, perhaps I should just get a tattoo.  

By the way, this is so my costume next year for Halloween.  The sit ups on the concrete balls outside get me every time.  If you have no bloody idea what I am talking about.  You Tube it please. Now!!!0:32Add to Crazy Target Lady- Montage (2010 Commercial)by cyclops2366619,960 views 
 

And this.....this is just depressing, and another punch to the gut that I am old, and Grandma is the perfect roll for me to play these days in Nutcracker.  I am glad however I didn't grow up dancing in a communist country where they beat you with a stick, starve you, and force you to dance 6 hrs a day until your toes bleed for no money in front of lots of people.  Wait......  :)

Sorry parents of small children who might be around while this is open.  Calla thought this was cute funny dog, and decided I should post it.  Didn't ya know?  She can't read.  

Adios muchachos.  Off to stuff my face full of egg rolls.  

PETA on my ass

Ok, so you know that movie Happy Feet?  The one with with all the cute animated penguins that sing and dance? 

If you don’t it’s ok.  Really.  If I didn’t have kids, I probably wouldn’t either.  I would be better able to name the last 3 movies Brad Pitt was in, instead of informing you that the new Muppet movie comes out at Thanksgiving.  In the original Happy Feet there was a character named Lovelace.  He was voiced by Robin Williams.

As you can see Lovelace has one of those 6 pack Coke plastic ring thingies stuck around his neck.  The ones they tell you to cut before you throw it out, because it ends up tangled around wildlife via our rivers and oceans.  

Meet Rhoda.  She is auditioning to be Lovelace’s girlfriend in the new Happy Feet 2 movie.  While she isn’t rocking a plastic Coke holder around her neck, she is sporting the top half of a Styrofoam lid from a takeout container. 

Yesterday we ate lunch at Red Robin. (fitting huh?)  At the end, we boxed up the hamburger bun from my California chicken sandwich (sorry Rho,) and all of the leftover French and sweet potato fries for the chickens.  I guess you could call it a chicken bag instead of a doggy bag, because twit and twat need french fries like they need a hole in their head. 

Today we put out the container with all of the fries for the chickens to munch on.  I left and went to Target ( it is Sunday and the Bronco game was on of course.)  I came home to this.  Freakin chicken loved the fries so much she pecked a hole through the container and was now wearing it around her neck.  Dave finally cornered her and got it off.  Guess it is back to the metal bucket for them.  Perhaps I need to craft a new outfit for Rhoda.  Calla has some popsicle sticks she is saving for a rainy day.  New category for Etsy perhaps?

Hasta Pasta  

All pics except Rhoda courtesy of Google images.  

Obligatory Kid Halloween pic

Ok, So I know Halloween was like a month ago already, and you are all just dying with anticipation wondering where the heck the obligatory Halloween pic of the kids is?  But it has been doing a lot of this lately:

And I am a bit behind again.

So the kids and twit and twat have been doing this:

The twat was not at all happy about it.  And the twit, well....as you can imagine he was super duper with sprinkles and a cherry on the top excited.  

Unfortunately this also happens:

Which is a huge pain in the ass to clean up especially when you are busy cleaning up everyone else.  

When the snow melts it turns into this:

Mud!

I would show you my mud room, but I'll spare you.  Whoever named it a mud room was brilliant.  I am also thinking of leaving the huge broken branch on the tree to the left up and dangling.  I think it might scare off the solicitors who come creeping in and change their mind about parking under it to try and sell me wrapping paper or Bibles for the Holiday.

It does however lead to snow on the Rockies out the front door.  (sorry for the crappy phone pic) Could the neighbor have built the riding arena any bigger?  Um....evidentially No.

Before the snow came in, we did this:

At the Denver Zoo.

Didn't realize it was free day at the F'n Zoo until we got down there and I had to park the car on the other side of City Park and 1/2 way back to the Highway.  Thank Buddha for the BOB.  Oh well, it wasn't too awful crowded when we got in (judged of course by the time spent waiting for a potty.)  The day was gorgeous and on the bright side I got my miles 50,000 steps in for the day.

Meanwhile, in case you were wondering because it has been awhile, the Dipshit Dingo Dog ate this:

Because he decided we needed to spend some more money on the damn computer.  The worse part is he did it right next to me without me even knowing.

We also did a lot of this until the leaves got soaking wet:

Which leads us finally to the Obligatory Halloween pic of the kids:

Sorry for the dark picture.  My phone inside a house at 9 pm was not that great.  No India isn't contemplating anything deep or even pooping for that matter.  She was a flower, recycled from 5 yrs. ago, and Calla was a LaLaLoopsy doll.  Not sure what a LaLaLoopsy doll is?

 

This is a LaLaLoopsy.  She is a plastic doll with a huge head, skinny legs, and buttons for eyes.  Her name is Crumbs Sugar Cookie.  

I am not sure why the font is all jacked out now.  So this is my cue to vamanos, and adios till mañana.  

Who the Hell is Jeannine

Things the Dipshit Dingo Dog ate while I was on a 2 1/2 hr phone call to Mumbai, India.

1 - Red Crayon
1 - Color Wonder Marker
1 - Tupperware of Mama Pea mmm sauce (container was empty) lid completely destroyed
1- Full Color Printer Cartridge HP 61(Found packaging, but cartridge gone way of dodo)
1- Toms Shoe Box
1- Box of Tissues
2 - Stems and lids off of carved pumpkins on front porch
2 - Candles inside of carved pumpkins once tops were eaten off

Things India ate while I was on a 2 1/2 hr phone call to her Namesake Motherland.

1- Red Crayon (Remains of which she fed to the dipshit dingo dog)
1- Package of Gummy's
1- Reese's Peanut Butter Cup
5-Pita chips
1-Falafel

Things I shouldn't have eaten while on the phone with "Victor" (yeah kind of like that Capital One commercial with "Peggy") at Quickbooks Support in Mumbai. 

3- Falafel
1/3 - Bag of Stacy's pita chips
1/2 - Tub of Garbanzos' Hummus
10 -Yogurt Covered Pretzels with Halloween sprinkles
2- Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
1 - #2 Pencil
All of my fingernails and cuticles

Let me back up and explain.  Last week we decided to convert to the Dark Side and move our existing computer over to a Mac.  Simple, yeah no.  Those commercials lie. They also say for $$$$ they can transfer it all over for you.  El Cheepo was not into that after parting with the cash for the new computer.  I however had no issues about dropping my computer off at the mall (detour through Nordstroms and J Crew) and then taking another trip to the mall to pick it back up (detour through Dillards and Pottery Barn.)  Sounded pretty freaking nice to me.  No, not going to happen.  Summit IT was going to do it.  That would be me.  I am also Summit HR, Summit Marketing, Summit Accounting, and Summit Personal Assistant Secretary in case anyone was wondering.  Transferring 12 yrs worth of accounting, installing landscape design software, and 3 printers to each operating system; Lion and Windows is no bloody picnic.  Did I mention Summit IT hasn't worked on a Mac since we had those wine in a box looking Macintosh computer in 6th grade Sycamore Elementary School Computer Lab.

Anyway, today I was trying to register the same Quickbooks software we have been running for years complete with upgrades every so often.  It downloaded fine, and even transferred all the numbers right, but wouldn't let me register.  I have to register in order to use the payroll service.  So I called Customer Service and got a lady who just kept repeating everything I said.  She mentioned she had some bad news and that someone named Jeannine was registered to my Quickbooks and she couldn't register it because we can't share and it was hers.  Ummm WhoTF is Jeannine??? I purchased this copy along with 12 other versions upstairs.  I had the box and opened the factory seals myself back in 2009.  I have downloaded this copy on 2 other computers successfully as well.  Only one user copy even, and it has never been a problem.  Finally I got "Victor" because she was done with my ballistic yelling about F'n Jeannine.  (I really lost it after she called me Jeannine for the 5th time.) "Victor" said originally Jeannine bought the copy I had from Sams Club, registered it, and then returned it.  Long story short (too late) "Victor" was done with me too, and tried to give me some code to put in.  It didn't work, but it was the screen I needed to put in a random scribbled code I had on the box.  It worked and registered.  "Victor" was happy I stopped screaming obscenities at him.  He then proceeded to try and sell me some software and I told him he was pushing his luck and hung up.

UPDATE:
My lovely super smart computer savvy Sister in Law helped me with a bunch of loose ends today, while my awesome brother in law made us lunch and played with India.  She even got me on the cloud.  My head is already in the clouds, but now at least things are going where they are supposed to be going and doing what they are supposed to be doing on the computer.   I guess setting up computers is like childbirth.  You forget how bad it is until you have to do it again.  I don't plan on doing either anytime in the near future.

After all is said and done hopefully the only Mac I will be dealing with in the near future is one that involves blue sparkly eye shadow and Viva Glam lipstick.

As for Jeannine, lets just say it is probably best we don't meet in a dark alley anytime soon.

Cara

Stupid Conversations

So over the last week or so it seems like I have had nothing but stupid conversations with people.  Maybe it is because this is a crazy time of year for us, and it is hard trying to do it with 2 kids.  Or my patience is just not what it used to be.  Ok, so maybe I have never been a patient person, but can’t we just pretend  for 5 min. I was before I had a 2 yr old and a 5 yr old.  Let me entertain you with some of the conversations I have had lately.

At the Dentist’s office:

Receptionist: Kayla we are ready for you.

Me: Actually her name is Calla, like the flower. 

Receptionist: Oh how pretty, I had Calla lilies at my wedding.  Ready to go back now Kayla?

At the lake running with the dipshit dingo dog:

Random walker: Oh, what a nice looking dog, may I pet him?  Wow he sure does have huge ears!

Me: Sure. (dragging Rusty over from the lake side who has managed to find part of a dead crab like claw left over by some fisherman or animal and is chomping and crunching  loudly) He won’t bite you, but if you get him wet or feed him after 9 pm he turns into a Gremlin.  Hence the big ears. 

Random walker:  Heh Heh. 

Rusty: chomp chomp crunch crunch. 

Checkout Lady at King Stupids (aka Kroger for those of you in the South) Grocery Store:

Lady: How old is your little girl? She looks like she is about 3.

Me: No, she is only 21 months.

Lady: No, the bigger one.

Me: Um yeah, she’s 5. 

Lady behind me at Target waiting in line to checkout:

Lady: Excuse me, but do mind if I ask you where you got your top, it is really cute? 

Me: Thank you.  I got it on sale at this store in Boulder a while ago.

http://shop.lululemon.com/products/clothes-accessories/women-we-made-too-much/Priiti-Tank?cc=0001&skuId=3417848&catId=women-we-made-too-much

Lady: Why it is just darling, my daughter just found out she was expecting and is feeling really frumpy and chubby right now because she is just starting to show.  I figure if I can get her some cute clothes that show she is pregnant, she might feel better. 

Me: Well….Congratulations to you both.  I am actually done having babies and can’t have anymore, but it looks like my Halloween candy baby is starting to show, so I guess it is back to peas, brown rice, and spray butter next week for me. 

And my personal favorite

Telemarketer calling during dinner:

Her: My name is so and so, and I am with the Energy Coalition and we were wanting to ask some questions about an energy audit at your home blah blah blah, is your Mom or Dad home, so I can talk to them about this?

Me: I am the Mommy, and I live in a 100 yr. old farmhouse that is extremely inefficient.  You are welcome to talk to my husband, but he doesn’t like it when I call him Daddy. 

Dave (from the other room): Who are you talking too?

Me: A lady from the energy blah blah blah wants to speak to my mom or dad.

Dave: Tell them they don’t live here and hang up. 

Dick and Jane

See Grandma

See Grandpa

Come see Grandma and Grandpa make complete fools of themselves onstage at this years Nutcracker.

There will be 6 performances in Ft. Collins at the Lincoln Center, and 6 in Loveland at the Rialto.  More info on the Ft. Collins shows and where to get tickets can be found here:

http://www.fcgov.com/lctix/show.php?id=244

Remember I am playing Grandma in all shows, no alternate.  This will not be a tutu, toe shoe, top heavy Chinese wig wearing show for me.  This also means I don’t have to starve myself to fit into any of those things, and I will be in a better mood for the next few weeks.

Pops and I will definitely make the party scene fun, but if you are afraid of falling asleep during the show, I would suggest a matinee.  Dave will be attending a matinee for this reason.  Most likely with my Mother and Children who will be dressed in some form of a tutu……. My Children, not my Mother or Dave.  If you would like to sit with them all in a row and hoot and holler when I fall on my ass numerous times, email me by next Wed., and I will get you tickets to the Sat. matinee.  You can pay me back at some point.  Pappy and I hope to see you there.