Thursday, May 26, 2011

Miss Hawaiian Tropic 2011

I love Dick and Jane.  No, not that dumb movie where Tea Leoni and Jim Carey rob a bank, but vintage kids readers Dick and Jane.  When I was pregnant with Calla, Dave's Grandmother found out that is how we were decorating her room and gifted us with a whole set of readers for her when she was older.  Well now she is older (sniff sniff) and is starting to sound out the words. 

Unfortunate for me, once I get a dialect in my head it sticks, and all of the conversations I have with myself  (yes I know I am crazy) for the next week or so sound like that.  This week it is all Dick and Jane.  Last week when I read "The Help" everything was from a 1960's Mississippi  black maid's perspective.  Instead of thinking in my head, "Hey Dave can you take out the trash?"  In my mind it was translated to:  "Lord child..... when you gonna take out dat garbage?  It done stink to high heaven."  See what I mean?

So in honor of Dick and Jane and because I am not any good at Haikus, I am going to tell you a story a la Dick and Jane style.  Only this time you have to change the names to India and Rusty.  Follow???









Nuff said.......

PS. Anyone know how to get self tanner off the dog fur? 

Monday, May 23, 2011


G'day Mates. Just wanted to let you know I'm a mommy again and this time my boobies get to stay out of it. (!!*Happy Dance*!!)

Hi my name is Rusty

I am an 8 week old Australian Cattle Dog.  No I wasn't named after the kid from National Lampoon's Vacation.  (Look kids Big Ben!)  My parents tried to come up with a cool Aboriginal name like Uluru, a slang name like Jackaroo, or even Fosters, but Rusty is what the people who bred my mom named me when I was born, and Rusty is what I'll stay.  Mostly because it is easy for me to hear being yelled across the property when I am up to no good, and my new parents were out of deceased grandparents to name me after anyway. 

I know I may look like Mattie, but I am not her puppy.  That would be like Joan Rivers giving birth to sextuplets and getting her own TLC reality show after Kate  + 8 on Thursday nights.  My mom was a Red Heeler, and my dad was a Blue Heeler.  From what I know that makes me a Purple Heeler.  Just Kidding! :) 

Calla is still a bit hesitant, but is warming up to me.  India on the other hand thinks I am more fun then a can of Cheez Whiz, and will squeeze me like one if given the opportunity.  I am still working on not jumping up on her, but since she is the closest in size to me; I just can't help it. 

As you can see I've made myself right at home.  They even bought me a new chicken to snuggle with which I just love to throw everywhere.  I have met the other chickens and even helped to feed them some strawberry tops.  So far I want nothing to do with them because they are bigger then me. 

Stop in and see me sometime.  I'm pretty friendly, I have stinky puppy breath, and I promise I won't lick you to death.  Maybe........

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

It's Target Tuesday

No I am not announcing the new ad for Target for the week.  I am not that much of a crack head, nor am I sitting here stalking ads and clipping coupons for Target like those crazy extreme coupon ladies on TLC who have like 100 boxes of Alka Seltzer, and Colgate hanging out in the garage because the coupon helped get them 30 free boxes of frozen jalapeno poppers for the couch potato husband.  I have another Target adventure and I thought it would sound good to put it on Tuesday.  And as Calla would say, "because Target and Tuesday both start with the letter T." 

So the other day the girls and I ventured to Super Target because Calla was complaining that she needed some new underwear because she was getting "punket wedgies."  (Translation - wedgies in the front not the back.)  So I looked at her undies and noticed the were getting a wee bit small and figured she did need some new ones before she grew anymore and they start to look like a thong on her.  Because Lord knows the 5 yr doesn't need a thong, unless she plans on hanging out with the 8 yr old who gets Botox and self tans, then it would be ok.

As we got close to the entrance we were approached by 3 innocent wholesome looking 11 yr old girls with clipboards.  They stopped us and asked if they could ask me a couple of questions for a school project they were doing.  I said sure what the hell and they giggled.  The only reason I said yes was because their parents were sitting on a nearby bench chatting and it was obvious they were homeschooled and trying to get experience polling people.  Not to mention they were super shy and it took a lot of courage for them to come up and ask in the first place.  Unlike the Greenpeace people who pretty much accost you downtown while you are waiting to cross the street.  I asked what they were asking questions about and they said "Vandalism."  Ok.........

Question # 1 What is your religion? 
Me: "Um, Catholic by birth."  Now I am wondering to myself what does that have to do with tagging "for a good time call Buffy" on the bathroom door at the local Burger Shack.  Are they Amish and wondering if other religions have issues if Billy Bob sneaks onto the overpass at I-25 and writes that he loves Susie in spray paint at 2 am for the morning commuters to see?  

Question # 2 How often do I read the New Testament?
What......."Ok, Excuse me girls what does this have to do with Vandalism exactly? " More giggling.  Them: "Not Vandalism.....Evangelism. You know like Jesus Christ?"  Yeah, I know Jesus Christ, and I'm even down with GOD like Whoopi sings about in Sister Act, but unless he has changed his name to Jesus Rodriguez and he is into spraying graffiti on the sides of a train car or a public art exhibition in the big city, I am not sure how the two subjects could ever relate. Fits of laughter are now coming from the parents on the bench in background.  Me: "Girls, I thought you wanted to ask me my opinion on Vandalism?"  Them: only giggling no words.  Me: "Ok, well then I'll excuse myself now, and y'all have a nice day."  I got the heck out of Dodge and threw both kids into a cart and scurried off towards the underpanties as fast as I could. 

Too bad Target doesn't sell hearing aids in the Electronics Department.  I think I'm about due. 

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

A whole bunch of crap about Spring

First off let me begin by wishing Dave a Happy Birthday!  Today begins the month and 5 days where you are officially older then me. You are wonderful daddy and the girls think you are the bees knees.  Love you. 

Spring has Sprung
The grass has ris
I wonder where me tractor is.
         - Rose Smith circa 1990 something

Spring is in full force here on the plains.  I am popping Allegra like jelly beans and loving the blooming lilacs.  We are also watching what seems like 200 baby bunnies eat the grass and various other plants around here like locusts.  Seriously this winter they were so hungry they ate the damn rubber rings off the skid trailer lights.  The baby chickens are no longer babies, and are so big I have to do a double take sometimes to see who is who.  The garden is finally planted (super late) and the seedlings are growing indoors.  So sometime around November I should have peas and tomatoes.  I also planted the annuals in the containers, and now it is hailing and 34 degrees.  Perfect timing. 

Spring time around here also means baby cows.  I snapped these shots of the neighbor's cows.  The mommy cow wouldn't let me get near the baby or her for that matter.  Just as well, if I had a new baby and my boobies were that big I wouldn't let you near either of them.  Now I know I am not the Pioneer Woman who lives on a cattle ranch and can get really great looking close up shots of her cows, so just pretend you can see the picture of the sopping wet pissed off cows.

It also means ballet recital time.  And this tulle creamsicle is where its at this year. 

And it will also be where its at for the next couple of months, because I am sure we will be wearing it as many places as we can.  Since I am not performing until Nutcracker, this means it is up to Calla to carry the torch.  She had pictures taken at the studio this week, and oh my stinkin heck she is cute.  Here are some of the few I took with the phone.

And yes, I will probably have to put India in a tutu on Sat. for the recital, because she will throw a mermaid sized fit if I don't. 

Finally Spring means eating not so much crap so I can wear shorts that are somewhat cute.  Not like these coulottes from the Gap right now.
I am so not kidding these are from the "what's hot trendy new" section.  Perhaps if I lived in Utah on a compound with 15 other Sister Wives, this would be considered hot. 

I thought I would end things here and tell you about my latest misadventure at Target.  Yup another one.  It is starting to become a joke around here kind of like the American Pie movie.  "And this one time at band camp...."  Except in my instance, "And this one time at Target...."  I'll fill in the rest of the blank for you. - I knocked down an entire cucumber display!  Yup, what better place can I  pick up some salad fixins and toilet paper on the way home from dropping the girls off at school.  Why Super Target of course.  When picking through the nice neatly vertically stacked vegetables, it is probably best to not pick the ones on the bottom in the back. Even if they look the best.  Because otherwise you too will look like an idiot at 8:30 am picking up 30 or so cucumbers and trying to restack them while everyone in the Starbucks line laughs hysterically at you.  Too bad I didn't have any kids with me.  I could have blamed it on them.  It is also a good thing my "friend" from the return department didn't see me struggling to restack everything.  She probably would have laughed at me, then offered me her stool. 

Off to pick up Calla and then celebrate an early dinner at Old Chicago.  Nothing like one last hurrah of a Chicago 7 deep dish, a beer to wash it down with and a piece of Cheesecake Factory white chocolate raspberry truffle before it is onto peas and rice with spray butter. 

Happy Spring. 

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Oh wait I forgot I had a blog

Hi y'all,

Thanks for your support with the India shot debacle.  I wish I could say all is well, and back to normal but she is getting molars and not handling it well.  Calla also is coincidentally getting her back molars at the same time.  WTF???  I had these two 4 years apart on purpose, so things like this wouldn't happen, and also so I wouldn't have to own a double stroller. 

Anyhoo, I am back here with stories to tell and pictures to show you.  Except for today, because I don't have the energy to download the phone and Dave has the camera at work.  Nothing much to show except a couple random Easter pics. anyway.  Just pretend the girls were cute and dressed up and hunted eggs in the living room in their jammies before we went to church and had lunch with his family.  Nuf said.  With chickens who lay eggs anywhere they please if we don't lock their punk asses up, it is pretty much an Easter egg hunt on a daily basis 365.  So it isn't as exciting around here as it may be for some. 

Have you ever had one of those days where everything you said came out of your mouth wrong?  That was me today, and the hole I kept digging myself into just kept getting deeper and deeper until it wanted to swallow me whole.  Case in point.  Lets talk Target talk.  In fact we should do that more often.  As most of you know I am a Target junkie.  I even have friends who I only run into in Target, so I know I am not alone. 

Tarjey Boutique as I like to refer to it,  has this wonderful line right now called Calypso, that is patterned off the huge designer itself.  Super cute tropical clothes and various knick knacks like elephant tea pots that have no business being in my home in CO.  You can all rest assured I did not buy an elephant tea pot.  Not sure how I would have justified we needed that to Dave anyway.  "Honey I know we are on a budget, but I am willing to give up deodorant and shaving cream so we can buy the elephant tea pot.  I know it doesn't match the decor of our farmhouse, but it was so cute. "  Yeah.....right....... 

I did however pick up a super fun dip dyed crinkly hippy skirt to wear if the wind ever decides to stop blowing 80 mph.  I should have taken a clue, that if the shirt was hung on a rack so high I had to reach over my head to get down, chances are it is going to be way too freakin long for my short ass.   I however was blinded by the pretty colors, and satched up the med size and brought it home.  Upon trying it on I looked ridiculous.  It was long enough to be a maxi dress if I pulled it over my lack there of boobs.  I would have had to roll the waist 4 times to make it into a skirt.  So back to Target it shall go. 

 I know I have lost some of you by now, and you are all wondering what a skirt has to do with me shoving my foot in my mouth.  Well, I'm fixin to tell you.  Just hold your panties. 

After I dropped off the girls at school this am, I stopped by Target to return the skirt and pick up some prescriptions.  At our Super Target we have a little person who works the return counter.  She has a stool to stand on to reach the register and it makes her taller then me.  So after walking up to the counter and handing the skirt to her to return, she asked if there was anything wrong with it?  "I replied, no it was just too long, because I am too short."  Um....yes it was early and my filter wasn't quite functioning in my brain yet.  Remember I am up at all Godly hours of the night with a teething baby.  But she doesn't really know that.  So I proceed to try and dig myself out by saying how cute it was but it wasn't the right type of material to try and hem, and how I have to hem most things because my legs are so short.   By this point she is staring at me watching me make an ass out of myself trying to convince her how short I am to make it seem like I am relating to how short she is.  Thank God I didn't follow up by saying "you know how that goes right?"  I quickly signed the credit card screen and I was outta there.

My guess is this is why they put Starbucks in these places.  So people can fuel up on some liquid crack before having semi intelligent conversations with each other.  One of these days I will learn it is just best to answer with yes or no only.  And for those of you wondering why I didn't try on the skirt before I left Target.  Have you ever tried on clothes with two kids aged 5 and 1?  I only do this if I am in Denver or  somewhere I can't return the item easily if it doesn't fit.  Let me paint a scenario for your reading pleasure.  Let's assume I don't have a stroller to try and shove into the handicapped stall and we all fit into a normal size dressing room.  One kid wants to look at and shake her butt from all the different angles in the three way mirror while wearing your sunglasses and pretending she is Hannah Montana.  She will quickly tire of this and whines about playing a game on your phone or needs it so she can pretend to call her agent or how about Daddy so she can tell him we are trying on clothes instead of on our way home.  Hello....not a good idea.  The other kid will smear her sticky hands all over and give kisses to the baby in the mirror which may or may not be herself.  After she is done she will then proceed to dump the entire contents of my purse out on the ground, empty all of the sticks out of a pack of gum, eat some Chapstick, put my bra on her head, and attempt to crawl under the partition to the dressing room next to us where a naked grumpy old lady is sure to reside.  This will take approx. a 1/2 hr just to try on one shirt.  Good times.  Anyone up for a round of bathing suit shopping this season?

Off to dose up the kid with some more Advil, so we can all have some peace.