Friday, February 25, 2011

Why do all Elementary schools look like prisons?

Hi all, hope you are having a good week.  It is snowing buckets here and I am watching India dump approx. 50 pieces of plastic Ikea silverware on the ground, lick each one, and then put them back in the cabinet.  It keeps her happy for 5 min or so while I write this. 

This week I registered Calla for Elementary school.  Please don't remind me that "Wow she is off to kindergarten already."  I know, and it just depresses me.  Not because she is a big girl and headed to school, but because I have a 5 yr old and I am starting to get wrinkles, and brown spots.  It is a good thing I surround myself with people who ask questions like, "Where she will be going to school in the Fall?" They fill me in when I look at them clueless and remark about how we don't have to worry about that until July.  Evidently you register you kid in Jan or Feb not July.  I guess this is to allow for lotteries and school of choice and so on and so forth.  Um after digging around on the internet and calling to make sure my address was on "the list" we filled out the appropriate paper work and are now waiting for the lottery to take place to make sure she is accepted into full day Kindergarten.  All of this makes no sense to me, because she is going to the public school she is supposed to that my taxes are paying for, and I need her in full day kindergarten.  Why the hell does there need to be a lottery for those of us "in the district on the list?" 

Whatever.....But it was the paperwork that just killed me.  A huge packet I at least had sense enough to pick up a week before instead of filling it out there.  I found her birth cert., and she is now due for so many shots just to get into the school you would think she was headed to Africa for a month.  Some of the questions on the paperwork just sent me over the edge, and I had all I could do to answer them to the best of my knowledge, and not smart assed. 

For example:  Question # 2 - Did I have high Blood Pressure while giving birth?  Why yes, it was out the roof, but that really isn't any of their business, because she is fine. 

Question # 4 - Weight?  Um, Mine or hers? Because we are so not going there. 

Question # 7  - When did she talk in complete sentences, and  # 8 - Sit up unassisted?  Lordy, I have enough trouble remembering if she brushed her teeth this morning or not, let alone when she talked in complete sentences 4 yrs ago.

Question # 11 - Wanted to know if she can tie her own shoes?  Hello don't you teach them that in Kindergarten?  Besides her tennis shoes, everything these days has velcro, is an Ugg, or a Croc.  

Question # 13 - Does she have hearing problems?  Only when she doesn't feel like listening to me.

My personal favorite Question # 20 - Does your child have frequent complaints?  I almost peed myself with this one and literally had all I could do to write n/a in the blank, because seriously she is 5.  What 5 yr old do you know that doesn't have "frequent complaints" like 30-40 times a day. 

We also had to sign a liability waiver saying she agrees not to use the school computers to Skype, shop for firearms, shoes, handbags, or anything pornographic.  She can't IM, or email her BFF Becky about her boyfriend Jimmy on her mobile device.  She actually signed her name on this form because they wanted the student to make the pledge. 

On the bus waiver they wanted to make sure she she knew she couldn't ride the bus with said mobile device while chewing gum, smoking a cigarette or drinking a beer.  She could however sit next to her BFF Becky, but can't have any PDA with her boyfriend Jimmy, or Becky for that matter. 

I have to have the driver's cell phone number with me, and if she doesn't plan on riding the bus because we live on a "rural route" I have to call and reschedule. 

The last form said if the weather was bad, and busses weren't running they needed to know what the plan was.  One would assume someone would come and pick up the Kindergartener.  But the last line option to check was - My student will drive home.  Of course, she will.  Preferably while text messaging her BFF Becky about sneaking out with Jimmy later and smoking a cigarette with an open container of beer.

Have a great weekend!
XOXO, Me :)

PS. For those of you who don't know about BFF Becky, just You Tube Allstate Mayhem commercial and it will all make sense.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I'mmmmm Baaaack!

Hi there,  Did ya miss me?   I missed you all.  We have been here recovering from the flu, attending various events and getting our "you know what" together in order to start the Spring work season.  Good times. 

I have decided that I need to make some changes around here.  Some spring cleaning of sorts.  Instead of writing one hella long post once every week or two, I thought I would try shorter posts more often, say 2 or 3 times a week.  This way you can read the blog and then get on with your bad self.   Because Lord knows as we come out of our winter cocoons like Lady Gaga, I am going to have a lot to talk about. 

I thought I should inform you India has decided that today is the day she would like to mark on the calendar as the day she chose to start walking.  Now Calla, she did the take a couple of steps and fall, pick self up take a couple of steps, repeat etc. etc. like I would assume most kids do.  Nope not Wonder Baby.  Homegirl, just picked herself up and walked across the house from room to room with a Whole Foods shopping bag filling it full of crap and dragging it along as she went.  Unassisted.  Um ok......  This kind of freaks me out for obvious reasons.  1. my credit cards are in some serious danger when she gets older and 2. just what else is she storing up ready to burst out with as any given time?  I know if I spend money on that "Your Baby Can Read" dvd then she won't say a word, only to bust out with a sonnet from Shakespeare or something when she is damn good and ready.  Clearly I am not the one in control here. 

I also just realized I never followed up about Little Debbie and Valentines Day.  No, I did not cave and eat a box.  However, why didn't anyone tell me that when your kid has a party at school, it doesn't mean come and enjoy cookies and punch while you sit on your butt and admire how cute each other kids are???  It actually means come and volunteer for 2 hrs with your 1 yr old demon child at various tables involving chocolate frosting, and uber sticky homemade play doh.  I was asked multiple times by children if I had a baby in my tummy.  "Nope, sorry sweethearts, just fat."  I was called Mrs. Lady because for some reason Cara was too hard to remember, and "Mrs. Doiley" is just not as funny to me as it is to a bunch of 4 yr olds.  I broke a stapler.  India ate a glue stick, and managed to destroy an entire roll of scotch tape.  I now understand why all the other mommies sent in their best Martha Stewart sugar cookie hearts with Jolly Ranchers melted in the inside to resemble glass, and were nowhere in sight.  By the way when I asked the kid whose mom made the cookies what she was making out of her play doh I was half expecting her to say some random zoo animal.  No, she was making rum balls and truffles.  Well now...... the birthday party at her house this weekend should be fun.  Needless to say I won't be volunteering again anytime soon.  It just isn't my cup of tea.  Especially when one of the kids taps you on the back and says, "Mrs. Lady...your baby stinks."  Party Over! 

Hasta Manana. 

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The Misadventures of Little Debbie and Friends

Well thanks to the new count every calorie eating disorder app I recently downloaded onto my phone, I am keeping track of everything I am eating and exercising.  This is good, because it makes me aware of how much is going into the old pie hole, and believe me it ain't pie. 

I do how however feel like I am being held hostage again by the Captain Crunch and his slutty girlfriend Little Debbie.  It seems that Debbie convinced the good Captain that he needed to trade in his ship for the winter and they are now rollin in a pimped out RV, complete with a fireplace. 

Knowing that Valentine's day was just around the corner they decided to stop in and check on things and see if they could offer any of their services.  Now when Debbie opened the door to the RV dressed in animal print jeggings, platform cha cha shoes, fake fur lined jacket, and sporting a Snookie poof, I was pretty hesitant, but she had me at "buy one box of valentine's treats get one free for $1.50."  The Captain explained that making rice krispy treats for Calla's class wasn't going to work because Snap, Crackle and Pop were vacationing with the Keebler Elves in Palm Springs for the week, so store bought cookies were out of the question as well. 

I tried to put them off, and mentioned that my good friend the Quaker man and his new wife Hersey were coming by later to help me make some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies from a recipe they found at their homestead the Tollhouse and I should be good.  But Debbie honed in on my weak spot while swigging her scotch on the rocks and played the kid card.  She knew how overwhelmed I was feeling with work junk, and knew that the new Nanny / French housekeeper Yoplait was not starting until March 1st.  So naturally how would I find the time to make cookies if I were so busy with work that India and Calla were stuck watching Elmo videos and playing with their pet Goldfish and dog Frito by themselves again.  She also told me that she knew her Italian Grandmother Stouffer and Uncle Chef Boyardee came to stay last week while everyone was too sick to cook, so what is the harm? 

Well I caved and let her into the mud room only, and that 20 kids = exactly 2 boxes of snack cakes.   Nothing left over for me.  That was the plan until Calla reminded me that her teachers need valentines too.  For the love, can't we just give them a card and call it good.  Nope not for Miss Perfect.  So before Debbie and the Captain pulled up wheels and headed out to find their next victim, they left me with another box for the teachers.  Just in case I was tempted to let that hussy Betty Crocker and her pimp Duncan Hines in to make cupcakes instead.  And would you take a look there.  After you portion out the cakes for the teachers there are 2 packages left.  Staring at me everytime I leave the house.  UGH!!!!  So far so good, but like I said before I am being held hostage by these stupid cakes.  Guess it is time for a trip to visit my Nuritionist/Therapist Kashi.  She always knows what to do in these situations.  Wish me luck! 

Make sure you check back next week when the effects of the Thera Flu have worn off, the taxes are finally at the Accountant's office, and we are back to our somewhat normal selves.  In the meantime turn up the volume on your computer and enjoy the Valentine's playlist.  

XOXO, Cara