Friday, February 25, 2011

Why do all Elementary schools look like prisons?

Hi all, hope you are having a good week.  It is snowing buckets here and I am watching India dump approx. 50 pieces of plastic Ikea silverware on the ground, lick each one, and then put them back in the cabinet.  It keeps her happy for 5 min or so while I write this. 

This week I registered Calla for Elementary school.  Please don't remind me that "Wow she is off to kindergarten already."  I know, and it just depresses me.  Not because she is a big girl and headed to school, but because I have a 5 yr old and I am starting to get wrinkles, and brown spots.  It is a good thing I surround myself with people who ask questions like, "Where she will be going to school in the Fall?" They fill me in when I look at them clueless and remark about how we don't have to worry about that until July.  Evidently you register you kid in Jan or Feb not July.  I guess this is to allow for lotteries and school of choice and so on and so forth.  Um after digging around on the internet and calling to make sure my address was on "the list" we filled out the appropriate paper work and are now waiting for the lottery to take place to make sure she is accepted into full day Kindergarten.  All of this makes no sense to me, because she is going to the public school she is supposed to that my taxes are paying for, and I need her in full day kindergarten.  Why the hell does there need to be a lottery for those of us "in the district on the list?" 

Whatever.....But it was the paperwork that just killed me.  A huge packet I at least had sense enough to pick up a week before instead of filling it out there.  I found her birth cert., and she is now due for so many shots just to get into the school you would think she was headed to Africa for a month.  Some of the questions on the paperwork just sent me over the edge, and I had all I could do to answer them to the best of my knowledge, and not smart assed. 

For example:  Question # 2 - Did I have high Blood Pressure while giving birth?  Why yes, it was out the roof, but that really isn't any of their business, because she is fine. 

Question # 4 - Weight?  Um, Mine or hers? Because we are so not going there. 

Question # 7  - When did she talk in complete sentences, and  # 8 - Sit up unassisted?  Lordy, I have enough trouble remembering if she brushed her teeth this morning or not, let alone when she talked in complete sentences 4 yrs ago.

Question # 11 - Wanted to know if she can tie her own shoes?  Hello don't you teach them that in Kindergarten?  Besides her tennis shoes, everything these days has velcro, is an Ugg, or a Croc.  

Question # 13 - Does she have hearing problems?  Only when she doesn't feel like listening to me.

My personal favorite Question # 20 - Does your child have frequent complaints?  I almost peed myself with this one and literally had all I could do to write n/a in the blank, because seriously she is 5.  What 5 yr old do you know that doesn't have "frequent complaints" like 30-40 times a day. 

We also had to sign a liability waiver saying she agrees not to use the school computers to Skype, shop for firearms, shoes, handbags, or anything pornographic.  She can't IM, or email her BFF Becky about her boyfriend Jimmy on her mobile device.  She actually signed her name on this form because they wanted the student to make the pledge. 

On the bus waiver they wanted to make sure she she knew she couldn't ride the bus with said mobile device while chewing gum, smoking a cigarette or drinking a beer.  She could however sit next to her BFF Becky, but can't have any PDA with her boyfriend Jimmy, or Becky for that matter. 

I have to have the driver's cell phone number with me, and if she doesn't plan on riding the bus because we live on a "rural route" I have to call and reschedule. 

The last form said if the weather was bad, and busses weren't running they needed to know what the plan was.  One would assume someone would come and pick up the Kindergartener.  But the last line option to check was - My student will drive home.  Of course, she will.  Preferably while text messaging her BFF Becky about sneaking out with Jimmy later and smoking a cigarette with an open container of beer.

Have a great weekend!
XOXO, Me :)

PS. For those of you who don't know about BFF Becky, just You Tube Allstate Mayhem commercial and it will all make sense.


  1. That's so great...I was laughing thinking of the visual of that last paragraph!
    Kannon is starting school next week too, and you should've seen the pile of paperwork on homeboy. NO sh*t it was at least 3" thick.
    And since he is a special needs kid I got 5 packets of those wonderful questionaires to fill out...
    I think I may need counseling after some of the questions they asked.

    Good luck, and good job getting it all done!

  2. Oh my word. 5 Packets!!!! I would definately need counseling after that. Heck, I probably need counseling now, for other reasons we won't go into. I am so proud he is going to school!!! Yipee Kannon.