Saturday, August 20, 2011

A couple of things….

To enlighten your morning. 

We are headed off to a busy Sat..  Farmers Market, French Nest Flea Market, Recycle Center, socializing the dog in public so he doesn’t eat small children when they come and visit my house, and cleaning the piss pod.  I was thinking my SIL was crazy for all of things she had to do today and then I looked at my list and realized it looked pretty much the same as mine minus the school supply shopping.  Although I do need to brave Wally World to grab some lunch meat and various other things to pack in lunches now that everyone is in school again. 

Dave is attending the school of life, and  if I don’t pack his lunch he comes home and tells me he ate a bacon guac cheeseburger, or ranch fried chicken sammie.  Not good dude.  Now that I have used his DNA to spawn beautiful children with nice hair, I need to keep him and a lower cholesterol around awhile longer so we can pay off the homestead.   Now I am not some crazy raw food eating vegan.  (Hello Little Debbie I heart you) but he always appreciates it when I fix good food.   Lately “I have been fixing food from the “Peas and Thank You” cookbook.  She is a pretty strict vegetarian, but I find if I substitute the regular option, ie. real butter, it works out just fine.  Her blog has tons of recipes on it too.  Up this weekend blueberry cheesecake muffins. 

1. Calla started Kindergarten this week.  (I am old!) It was not a huge ordeal since has been going to Pre School, but she rode the bus home and that was big thing.  We don’t exactly live near the school and she has never ridden a bus, but the enticement of not wearing a seatbelt and getting to see everything out the window was a lot of fun.  The bus driver looks like Ms. Sturgis 1987.  She is super super nice and lets just say I never had a bus driver call me “doll” and “honey,” or look even like that.  I am guessing there is a reason she is not a high school bus driver.  That would be asking for trouble. 

First day of school:002

That is a tattoo on her arm.  India had one too:


She loves showing it off to everyone.  It originally said “Sassy.”  But she picked the S off.  Now it just says “Assy.”  Of course it does.  She still can’t say Calla, but has no problem saying tattoo.

2. I managed to shove a 10lb giant stuffed animal chair into my washing machine and dryer against the manufacturer’s suggestion of spot clean. Sorry overpriced children’s store that is now out of business because of the recession, spot cleaning wasn’t going to cut it for Lulu.  She was way too gone.  5 + years of gunk and grime, and now dog pee forced me to take actions into my own hands.  She isn’t perfectly cream colored, but she is clean.    004

3. The new Athleta catalog came.  I am not sure who was more excited, Dave or me.  For those of you who may not know what Athleta is, it is a company that sells yoga, running, and general athletic apparel.  They use gorgeous models who are muscle ripped future Olympians in super shape and put them in compromising yoga positions, and bikinis.  Dirty old man.  You won’t be so happy when the the AmEx bill comes.  Did I mention they sell pants in short length and cut generous for “muscular” thighs and bottoms.  Those women are not featured as models.

4. India has taken to encouraging bad behaviors in the resident Chupacabra.  I am not sure who to yell at these days.  But the simple one word commands for the dog seem to be working on India as well. 


Sayonara for now.  Off to get my Mr. Miyagi on and get rid of some of these flies!  So bad this year Daniel San.   “Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything.”  “Ever catch one?” “Not yet.”


Tuesday, August 16, 2011


I had internet for a 1/2 an hour today.  Yup, some people who live in town have high speed cable 10 G DSL / DSW or whatever it is called at their fingertips 24/7.  Wait....Sorry.  I am pretty sure DSW is where we always have child mermaid meltdowns when Rachel is in town because she has some damn coupon for shoes. (I live here and only get them in Oct. when they think my birthday is. Um... it's in June. Dumbass Shoe Warehouse!) When we go there all the 4 little girls want to do is run down the insanely long aisles like lunatics licking and kissing themselves in the mirrors and pulling boxes of size 10 red glitter hooker heels from the bottom of the stacks to try on with those plastic shoe shaper sticks hanging out of their mouths. 

Anyway, we have a dish on our roof that points towards the Co-Op.  I only had internet for a brief period of time today because the wind was blowing.  The problem is that my trees in the front (that we have no time to prune because we are too busy pruning other people's trees and bushes :) ) are in the way now that there are leaves on them.  The other problem is they are planted too close together.  Not our doing.  So some obviously need to come out.  One of these days. Since we are still dealing with hail damaged roof replacement aftermath, the trees have to take a number and get in line.

One would figure during the short amount of time I had service I would answer some important emails, or send off a bid to a prospective client.  No Sir, my ADD ass was distracted when I turned on Yahoo and lo and behold they had a Chupacabra video.  Now some of you may remember when the Chupacabra came and ate Olivia the chicken.  But this Chupacabra looked like him.  Minus the rabies tag of course.

Long ass legs - Check
Skinny rat like tail - Check
White spot on forehead - Check
Head shaped like a deer with a long snout - Check
Obnoxiously large ears - Ding Ding Ding we have a winner folks!!

Check out the video and let me know what you think. The only thing missing is the suspected kangaroo hind end.  Perhaps we can charge money for people to come and see "Rusty - El Chupacabra" like a Jackalope roadside attraction.

I hope the link works otherwise this whole post is not going to make any damn sense at all. 

By the way be sure and put my music player on hold so you can hear the interview.  Oh, and make sure you turn it off after the story unless you are a fan of the Jersey Shore. 

Back by Fri.with obligitory First Day of School pics of Calla.  And for those of you waiting for the final part 3 of the Rusty Calla Storm story, that will be coming up soon as well.  That is assuming when I log on to write, the wind is blowing and I don't get distracted by what happened last night on Hillbilly Handfishing. 

Hasta La Vista,
Cara and the Los Chimichangos
(If you haven't go read "Skippy jon Jones" the book now!!!)

Friday, August 5, 2011

The Storm Part 2

Calla sat up and rubbed her eyes.  Could a chicken really be talking to her?  “I said, What kind of chicken might you be?”  “My name is Henrietta and this is Rhoda.”  “Howdy do,” said Rhoda giggling.  “I am a Buff Orpington, and she is a Rhode Island Red.”  “Now we have some unique chickens around here, but you are the funniest looking chicken I have ever seen,” Henrietta said looking puzzled.  Meanwhile Rusty was keeping himself busy munching on some chicken poo. 

Calla finally spoke up.  “Why I am not a chicken at all, I am a little girl, and chickens aren’t supposed to talk!”  “Oh but we do talk,” piped Rhoda.  “We do a lot of things.”  “Most people think we are, how shall I put it…..Bird Brains.” “I need to get home,” said Calla.  “My parents must be worried sick about us, but I am not sure how I got here, or how to get back home?” 

“Have you met Queen Birdie yet,”  asked Henrietta from her box.   “No, no I haven’t,” exclaimed Calla.  She couldn’t believe what she was hearing and seeing.  “Well, follow us then,” sung Rhoda.  Calla left Rusty to himself and his gross snack, and followed Henrietta and Rhoda through a small door to the outside. 

When she crawled out into the bright sunlight, she was amazed at what she saw.  There were chickens everywhere, and they all stopped their scratching and pecking to look at her.  A group of chickens came to greet her and introduce themselves. 


A small white chicken came over first.  “Hi, my name is Eloise, and you are an awfully big chicken?”  “Eloise, that isn’t nice, mind your manners,”  a pretty brown chicken with yellow legs scolded.   “Please excuse her, my name is Camilla and this is Buttercup.”  “The shy one over there is Fiona, and her older sister Beatrix.”  “The twins over by the tree are Gertrude and Penelope.” 

“Nice to meet you all,” said Calla.  “My name is Calla, and my dog Rusty and I must have fallen asleep in our old coop during the storm.”  But this is not our old coop and I need to get home, but I don’t know how,” Calla said worried.  “Henrietta and Rhoda told me that Queen Birdie would know.”  “Do you know all know where I can find her?”  “Queen Birdie is taking her dirt bath now,”  screeched Eloise. “And she doesn’t like to be disturbed when she is taking her dirt bath!”

“Don’t worry,”  Henrietta reassured her.  “You can meet Queen Birdie as soon as she is done, but for now would you like to come and help us with our chores?”  “You look like you are strong.”  “I am strong,” said Calla.  “I am also a very good helper.”  “I might as well help while we wait for Birdie to finish her bath, and then I must talk to her about how to get home.” 

Calla looked around and could see the twins Gertrude and Penelope busy picking up sticks in their mouths and placing them into a pile.  While Beatrix and Fiona were trying untangle leaves from the chicken wire. 

“What happened here,” asked Calla wide eyed?  “There was an awful storm,” said Camilla in a hushed tone.  “We don’t like to talk about it too much because it makes poor Fiona worry, and when Fiona worries all of her feathers fall out!”   “Ok,” said Calla looking around at everything in more detail now.  “There was a terrible storm at my house too.”  “That was when I got stuck in the coop with Rusty,”  Calla explained.  I wonder if my house looks like this, Calla thought to  herself. 

There were piles of hail balls scattered about, and bits and pieces of this and that strewn all over. 



She saw downed leaves and branches everywhere.



The part that looked like it got hit the hardest was their garden.  She saw Buttercup and Camilla picking debris out of what used to be a patch of tomatoes and cucumbers.  Their corn was stripped, and zucchini dented. 


“This is terrible,” exclaimed Calla!  “It is terrible,” shrieked Eloise!  “We won’t have any food, and if we don’t have any food to harvest at the end of the summer, we won’t be able to eat this winter!”  “We will starve,” cried Eloise!  “Eloise quit being so dramatic,” said Henrietta calmly.  “You are scaring our guest, and Fiona is starting to worry.”  “Look, she is missing some feathers from around her neck already.”  “What do you mean you won’t have enough food,” asked Calla?”  Rhoda came towards her and quietly explained in a hushed voice so Fiona wouldn’t hear.  “We get all of our food from our garden.”  “We grow everything we need to get us through the year.”  “That way we have enough food to eat until the garden is ready to be harvested next Summer.”  “We are trying to salvage as much as we can after the storm.”  “If we try and replant some food now, and we nurse the damaged plants back, we should be able to scrape by until the peas come up next Spring,” said Rhoda.

“But we will be lucky if any of this can be saved,” snorted Beatrix from the other side of the garden.  “Just look at it, it is a mess!”  “I don’t see how we can get all of this done.”  “Why are you always so negative Beatrix,” said Buttercup sweetly?  “We’ll get it done somehow?”  “Look around Buttercup,” said Beatrix.  “There is just too much to be done, and since Oliver left we won’t be able to lift all of the heavy things by ourselves.”  “By the way, I am not being negative little Miss Sunshine, I am being realistic, ” Beatrix sassed.

“Oh, enough you two,” cried Calla.  “I can help you lift the heavy stuff.”  “I am a huge help to my dad when he works around our house fixing things up.”  “He is a Landscaper.”  “He can build and fix anything.”  “He has taught me a lot, and I even helped to plant our garden this year.”  “What do you think Henrietta?”   “Well,” said Henrietta.  “If you can help us move some of these heavy branches and till up some soil, we might be able to get things cleaned up before Queen Birdie is done with her bath.”  “Ok, lets do it then,”  Calla said eagerly and excited! 

She immediately went to work moving the large branches to a pile behind the coop.  She helped to repair a piece of the fence where a part of the tree had fallen on it, and was even able to replace a broken piece of glass from one of the windows that the hail had shattered.  Even Rusty helped to dig up some of the potato plants and prep some dirt for replanting by scratching his paws into the soft soil. 

“Queen Birdie is coming!”  “Queen Birdie is coming,” squawked Eloise in a flurry! 

Stay tuned for Part 3 next week to see how Calla and Rusty get home!