Adventures in Babysitting

Today the girls and I took a field trip.  The library just wasn't cutting it anymore, and India needed a nap longer then 15 min., so when Dave had me call a wrecking salvage yard in Denver yesterday to see if they had a pair of wheels in stock, I jumped on the chance to drive down and pick them up.  He also needed a new wiring harness for a snow plow, and I figured what the hell lets get our Willy Wonka on and tour the candy factory while we are at it, since they are all literally within block of each other in the industrial part Denver.  I did have to explain to Calla that there were not going to be any Oompa Loompas at this candy factory because they were wintering in Cabo this time of the year getting a real tan not a fake orange one out of a bottle.  Nor would there be a waterfall of chocolate awaiting us as we walked in.  She was also told that if she was good on the trip down she could pick out a candy cane at the end of the tour.  And if she wasn't then she would be hanging with Veruca Salt.  Nuf said. 

Anywho, first stop on our field trip..... Crushers.   We input the address into my girlfriend Gigi who lives in the Garmin like a mini Tinkerbell, and we were off.  Gigi of course took us all over the place.  Past smoke stacks, and factories, over the river and finally we arrived at Crushers.  Well it is pretty much was what you would expect.  I made sure we hid the DVD player, the Gigi in the box, the i pod, and all tell tale charging cords and locked the door enough times to hear it beep and in we went.  After waiting in line behind Nacho (so not kidding!) from Nacho's Repair, I was able to talk to Bob.  Now if Santa Claus went on Biggest Looser and had Jillian Michaels yelling at him for about 6 weeks, then that would pretty much sum up Bob.  Bob kindly looked up where my wheels were being held and passed me off to Steve whom I talked to yesterday.  Now Steve had a lovely wavy long (to the mid back) blond ponytail coming off his mullet feathered top.  Calla said he looked like a boy Rapunzel.  All I could notice was his pinky nail was super long as he typed my order in and sent someone off to find them.  My guess was it is not for picking his nose. 

As I was waiting for my wheels and Nacho was waiting for his fuel pump, and this pompus overbearing foreign Dude walked in and started driving all of the nice people behind the counter nuts looking this up, or that up just to find a car door.  Finally Steve was able to pawn the Dude off to someone who would take him out to look at the door.  While he was waiting for the golf cart to pick him up, he looked at me and said "Now what is a nicely dressed lady doing with a baby and a kid in a wrecking yard?"  I simply told him as I shifted India to the other hip because Calla had pretty much crawled in between my legs at this point, "We are just running our errands."  My inner gangsta voice really wanted to respond to him "waitin on my dubs man,"  but I pretty much figured that would get my car keyed, so I just kept cool.  Dude responds back, "Do you take your kids everywhere with you?  This isn't normally a place a lady with kids hangs out on a Tuesday and why not try the Zoo, they might like it better?"  I just nodded and said, "They are well behaved enough to go everywhere I go and it is good experience for them to be around adults too."   At this point I was getting antsy because he was just so damn annoying and my inner smart ass was starting to wake up from her nap.  So before I knew it just to shut him up I looked point blank at him and calmly said, "Look, there are only 2 places my kids can't go with me, the bar, and the strip club.  The only reason they don't go is because their fake id's haven't been working really well lately!"  By this point Nacho had stopped talking to Rafael behind the counter, and was just staring at me.  Next thing I knew everyone started laughing hysterically.  All except the Dude.  Good thing his golf cart had just pulled up because he was made a fool of by a 5'2 chick with 2 babies in a wrecking yard, and he really didn't know how to deal.  I wish I could say he said something back, but he just walked out.  Inner smart ass went back to sleep and off we went with our wheels in search of a wiring harness for the plow, and a deep need for a sugar rush. 

The rest of the day was pretty much uneventful.  No more Dudes or even Oompa Loompas in sight, just sweet old Betty at the tour center door.  Calla wanted to ditch the candy tour after about 3 min. and we ducked out the side door and loaded up on handmade candy canes, suckers, and about a pound of caramel covered marshmallows.  A brief pit stop at Chick Fil A for lunch and she couldn't wait to get home so she take the wheels over to Ed at the CoOp with her Daddy.

My little muffin :)
If anyone would like to join us next Tues. I am thinking a field trip to a shooting range and lunch at a truck stop in WY for a hotdog and a movie is long overdue. Maybe India's fake id will work better across the state line. 

Adios Amigos.  Vaya con Dios!  

PS.  In case any of you were wondering, this is what my trunk looked like at the end of today.  Stroller, Gerber Sweet Potato Puffs, Bumbo seat for a friend, yoga mat, wiring harness, and wheels.  Mission accomplished!  The only thing missing was the large bag of candy.  I made sure it rode home in the front seat with me.  :)  

Wrecking havoc and then some

So, the last couple of nights I have gotten approx. 3-4 hrs of sleep total each night.  I don't do well on that little.  I need me some sleep people, otherwise I turn into Super Bitch.  Noticed I capitalized the letters, because she is one of those super heroes that teeters on the edge of good and evil, and deserves respect damn it!  :)  Anyway the reason I have had such little sleep is because everyone is snotting and hacking at all godforsaken hours of the night, and unless we start buying stock in Dimetapp, and Robitussin soon, I am done with the meds and allergy sprays. So I decided to take matters into my own hands and attempted to do something about it.  Here's the breakdown:

Amount of time it took me to deep clean dust and wipe the entire house down (except top of kitchen cabinets- too short, and mudroom -too muddy and exhausted) from ceiling to baseboards and cracks and blinds in between above and beyond what I do weekly = 6 hrs

Length of time after all was said and done it took India to grind a 1/2 eaten gummed up graham cracker into the floor and drag along a living room baseboard = 2 min. 

Bottle of Mrs. Meyers cleaner used = 1

Tube of Clorox wipes consumed = 1

# of Mr. Clean sponges and microfiber rags sacrificed = 5

Times I emptied the vacuum canister = 2

Amount of times I cursed God for living in the country with out of control dust and dog hair that builds up along carpet baseboards = 10

Amount of times I praised Jesus for the fact that I only have to clean a 900 sq . ft. house. = 15

Record number of times I sneezed in a row while cleaning = 6

Things that were broken in the process = 1

Hours of sleep I got Tues. night after everyone was tucked into their beds with visions of Sugar Plums dancing in their heads = 6

Ok, so more would have been nice, but hey, I will take what I can get these days. 

Just in case you were wondering what my children were doing while I was channeling my inner Ms. Hannigan.  Well....while Calla was playing her Leapster in a corner somewhere, India was up to no good in the bathroom.  Perhaps she got a lesson from Calla before hand. 

Calla @ 1 yr old


India @ 10 mo old


I guess the candy colored packages are just too cool to resist.  Too bad you aren't seeing the before pictures of the pads stuck to the tub, tampon in the mouth like a cigar and a sea of toilet paper.  I was laughing too hard I peed my pants.  Because folks that's what happens when you have 2 c-sections.   You think I would have learned. 

Mommy what's a vagina? and other things I have learned this week.

So another week down almost and it has not gone without its moments as usual. 

I opened up Calla's backpack last night to find a detailed letter to the parents stating how the little boys in her Pre K class are showing each other their "privates" during recess.  The letter was to assure the parents that they were dealing with the situation, and it was normal for a 4 yr old to be curious and that they would also be educating the children on when it is ok (ie. at the Dr.'s) and not ok to whip it out for all to see at the multi sensory sand and water table during play hour.  Because that would be sensory overload.  Needless to say, I should start cleaning out her backpack right after school, because it would have explained so much.

C: "Mommy what's a vagina?"
Me: "Um, its your punket (Chamorro for vagina) why are you asking?"
C: "Because we are not supposed to show it to anyone at our school."
Me: "Of course you are not, um is someone at school showing you their vagina baby" (note to self .... WTF I thought they were learning about bats and pumpkins and the letter F not the letter V this week???)
C: "No the boys are."
Me: "Sweetie boys don't have a vagina."
C: "I know, because they can't have babies."
Me: "Correct."
C: "What a silly word vaaagiiiiinaaaa, VAgina, VAGINA!"
Me: "Yes baby, that's why we don't call it that.  Just make sure you don't show anyone your punket ok?"
C: "Ok Mommy......vagina..... Hee Hee Hee Hee."

Other things I have learned this week.

*Projectile vomit from the back seat of the car can land in the front seat after one swallows too much flouride treatment at the dentist.  Oh well, I guess it was time to wash the car seats anyway. 

*Mice prefer brown and green play doh, but not the pink.

*On the other hand India will eat any color of play doh, and prefers pink crayons to gnaw on. 

*I am starting to come to terms with the fact I will never fit into any pair of jeans with the words: slim, narrow, skinny, matchstick, toothpick, jegging, or ultra low on the tag.  Designers, please make bootcut and boyfriend popular again because I am being forced to shop in areas where the words on the tag read: control panel, slimming, stretch, ladies, high waist, womens, curvy, and my personal favorite....not your daughter's. 

*Once you stop breastfeeding your boobs will shrink overnight.  Lovely.....

*I am learning how to be patient and control my inner smart ass.  When the lady at Build a Bear asked me what cool names I had in store for my 3rd child since the other 2 were so unique and when it was due (she was guessing Feb.;) instead of throwing a massive hissy fit  I looked her straight in the eye and told her I had my tubes tied after the 2nd and unless Jesus came to visit last night, I was just fat.  Because when you are blunt it has much more of an impact then a tantrum ever would. 

*I now have a personal trainer who kicks my ass so much to the point I can't feel my ass, and had to actually stop taking ballet class on Sat. because I couldn't shut my legs.  She used to be dancer and is making me do things turned in instead of out.  She also promised never to weigh me, or make me do calf raises.  Because Lord knows my calves are big enough already, and I told her when I get weighed my blood pressure goes sky high and it isn't healthy to have your blood pressure that high while working out.  It is good for me I know.  I may not fit into skinny jeans when we are done, but I can assure you I will not look pregnant, and for this my "vagina" will thank me. 

Have a great weekend.  xoxo

Hanging with my Homies

I love the Co Op.  I have been hanging out there lately with the farmers, and truck drivers.  Where else can you get a 6"  piece of metal yanked from your tire for the 3 time this year ASAP.  My goal is to go in looking as ragged and pathetic as possible and if India is fussy then extra brownie points, because the men in there are so kid uncomfortable they get me out of there as quickly as possible.  To top it off Ed the manager even looks like Johnny Cash.

Yesterday while waiting for the hunk of junk to be removed from the tire, I wandered over to the store side to feed Calla a healthy breakfast of free popcorn, and fill up my coffee mug.  She then successfully rearranged all of the paint chips on display and when asked what she was doing, explained they looked better that way because pink and purple are soooo much better then brown for a house color.  I was also able to stock up for the winter on chicken shavings and an econo size bucket o' bait for the mice and various other critters I don't have living in my buildings, but it says it kills anyway.  After pulling the dog toys out of India's mouth (she is teething) and arguing with Calla that a stock tank would not make a good swimming pool, I decided it was time to put the stuff on account and head back to the shop to see if the car was ready.

To my luck it was because I think I have read every issue of Truckin, Outdoor Life, Diesel Power, Field and Stream, and the 2 token issues of Oprah, and BH&G from Christmas 2008 they have out for your waiting enjoyment.  Mental note to self - bring coloring book next time.  Explaining to Calla that the man on the magazine cover did not kill Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is just no fun at 7:30 in the morning. 

If you need me, you know where to find me.  :)



 

WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!?!

Ok......

So, since my last post back I referenced June being as busy as October.  Um yeah since it is now October, I am changing my mind.  Every month in between the two has been very busy.  Having 2 kids and a business is not as easy as I assumed.  Seeing as I actually have to entertain India instead of plugging her in front of a Baby Enstein dvd  in her swing while I get some work done.  Right.....   But since I have had a 1/2 a pot of coffee this morning and my shit is finally coming together thanks to Dave convincing me to make an actual schedule, I figured I would clean up the blog while one kid zones out in the magical land that is Sesame Street and the other naps for 15 min.  Too bad Sesame Street is not an actual place like Ikea where you can drop off your kids for an hour and go shopping, read a book, or take a yoga class.  Forget Disneyland.  If Ikea added a gym next to the meatball cafeteria and attached a Super Target off the back and they would be the most popular and happiest place on earth for moms. 

Anywhoo for those of you who have known me for a long time you know about my Guamanian Nanny.  No I did not have a nanny growing up, she was my grandmother who moved to Texas to live with us and took care of my sister and I while my parents were at work, and we just called her Nanny.  Nanny taught us all sorts of things. She taught my sister how to play the piano, make a proper pie crust from scratch and swear in Chamorro.  I learned  how to make a roux, scotch on the rocks (2 knuckles worth and an ice cube swirled around) and that improvising is not a bad thing.  This is why to this day my sister is the baker and knows more naughty Chamorro words then me.  I make a mean mac n cheese from scrach, buy my pie crusts frozen, and always have Crown Royal on hand next to the Jager. And when I am out of cocoa powder I make cakes out of chocolate Slim Fast. 

One of the things Nanny always used to say was "WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!?!" 
We could have been gone for 10 minutes to the neighbor's house or out for hours.  Of course we always told her where the heck we were going before we left, but it still didn't stop her from asking again, and then again 20 min later.  So instead of explaining where the "Hell" I have been for the last 4 months, I figured I would just show you in pictures. Kind of a like a what I did on my summer vacation photo montage.  And also  because this post has gotten long enough.  I could literally go on for hours with Nanny stories as I am sure many of you can.  One of these days I will post Nanny's chocolate pound cake recipe.  Slim Fast of course is optional.  :)  

On that note it is time to Swiffer the crackers and dog hair off the floor, give Indy some Tylenol for her teeth, find out where Calla and the chickens hiding, check the work emails, and breathe. 

Missed y'all.  XOXO, Cara :)

Things I have learned this past month

June is a very busy month for us.  Probably as busy as October, but worse.  We have had rain, snow, sun, hail, tornadoes, etc.etc.  Believe me it is nice to be busy especially in these uncertain times, but holy crap I didn't realize how busy I would actually be personally with 2 kids.  I told someone at ballet the other day that I actually am feeling what it is like to experence being a parent to a newborn.  India is the polar opposite of Calla.  She was a piece of cake with pink frosting, sprinkles and a cherry on top compared to my new little monster. 

For starters India is quite possibly the hottest baby I have ever seen.  The child is like a furnace.  Now I run hot, but I actually laughed at some chick the other day in line at REI when it was over 90 degrees.  India was in just a onesie, and she asked, "oh did she have an accident, where are her clothes?"  Me: "Um this is her clothing?"  Her: "Why the poor thing must be freezing in just that bodysuit?"  Me: "Actually she is sweating."  Her: "oh!"   It didn't hit me until I saw her again in the parking lot as I was changing Indee's diaper in the back of my car that the chick was wearing a freakin polar fleece jacket and capri pants.  Seriously, it must be nice to run cold.  I might be able to save money on regular antipersperant and not have to buy the expensive sport prescription strength.  I know I have atomic armpits.  I go through white t shirts like nobody's business.  Indee is doomed. 

She also hates to be put down.  No big deal cute cuddly baby.  Yeah no.  After 1 min of cuddling and screaming for 20 min that she doesn't want to be in her carseat on the way into town, I might get along better if she became like my 3rd arm.  Oh yeah she snores too, when she actually decides she has finally had enough and falls asleep.  But hey I think I will keep her especially when she does this 24/7:

I guess I used to do this when I was a kid too.  My Dr. back then thought I had down syndrome, India's Dr. thinks she is normal.  Dave is still convinced I am not normal. 

Lets see what else have I learned this past month

Getting your child ready for a ballet performace takes just as long as getting yourself ready for a ballet performance.  Exhibit A. Meet Jon Benet Ramsey:

I am still not fan of watching other kids dance, but mine was too precious.  She knew all of the steps and was even ahead of the teacher on stage.  Go figure:) She had a lot of fun being a bubble.  And yes, the tutu is a regular part of our wardrobe, but the blue eyeshadow, hot pink lips and ringlets are not thank God!

Yes, India did have on a tutu, and a giant flower on her head.  Sue me!  

Moving on.

I learned how to put up a tent all by myself.  The rain fly didn't make it on since I am too short. 

The chickens even like it

For the love!!!!

Now if y'all will excuse me I am exhausted beyond belief.  I still have 6 loads of laundry to put away.  I am super behind since you know who didn't want to be in the front pack while I put the laundry away during Glee.  Yesterday I managed to drop off, pick up, feed and nap children in the car.  Order, buy, deliver and return plants for the jobsite all in the car.  Made a bank deposit, paid the bills online, bought wine and cards for clients, took two trips to the post office, and even managed to refinanced my house in the car.  Seriously.  I am so done.  But I do have to look on the bright side.  My dishes are done!  Cue angels singing now. 

Adios

.
 

Things I learned this week

Well it has been one of those weeks to say the least.  I have learned some pretty important lessons along the way. 

Like the fact that even in preschool it is still a popularity contest.  Just not with the kids but the parents.  For those of you wondering how the scrapbook picture thing at Calla's school went, yes she did take in my wedding photo, and it did spend the week taped to the wall below Dora the Explorer.  Ayuda me! No one brought in a scrapbook, however one kid did bring in the actual dog instead of the picture.  Too bad we are leaving because if they had studied chickens I could have picked up Henrietta's fat butt and shoved her into a cat carrier and hauled her into the preschool.  Who would have been the popular mommy then?  Booya!

Some of the other things I learned this week:

How to add more music to this blog so you don't hear turn turn turn over and over and over. 

Starbucks now has the ability to make frappuccinos with soy milk.  Hello, its about freakin time. 

I should not start a diet at the same time I have my period, and am breastfeeding a monster.  For example, the other day I started out good.  An organic free range :) egg white, basil, and feta omlette with an english muffin.  45 minutes later after feeding the baby I was hungry and decided a soy frappuccino was in order.  Well Calla was hungry, and rather then listen to her whine about how she is sick of granola bars, I decided a blueberry scone was a good idea.  Of course once the blueberry scone was purchased she decided the granola bar was just fine, leaving me with the blueberry scone. Ok, twist my arm.  11:30 / noon rolls around and it is lunch time.  We were headed to the grocery store that afternoon and didn't have any normal adult lunch stuff, so I had a can of spaghetti o's and a grilled cheese with Calla.  It's not like I was eating Beefaroni or something by Hormel.  Well, by the time I added it all up I was left with no points left for the day, so as not to go over, I spent the rest of the day eating things with 0 points.  That means dinner consisted of pickles, wasa bread crisps, pea pods and jello. What did I learn that day.....Caramel frappuccinos have less points then strawberry creme frappuccinos, and that light whipped cream out of a can is que fabuloso on jello.

The reason I started the diet in the first place is because I learned this week I have no fashion sense.  I have decided my style is Target maternity meets Gap kids, who had a love child with REI.  In other words I am a hot mess who dresses like she is either still pregnant or like a child, but with a bit of a sporty attitude thrown in.  I do have clothes that could make me like a trend setting college kid who shops at Anthropologie, or a carefree sophisticated person with a laidback and effortless wardrobe from the Sundance or J Crew catalog.  However I just don't fit into them the way I would like.  You know like one of those Athleta catalog models.  Besides if I have to stuff myself into a swimsuit to take Calla to swim lessons, I best get on it.  Then again I could always make Dave take her and spare myself the agony. 

Anyway moving on. Oh, the things you can learn while listening to your child play peacefully by herself while you work.  She had her Barbies all set up and was playing nice until I hear her tell Ken to "get the hell out of the car." 

Me:  Um, Calla honey what did you just say?
Her:  Nothing!
Me:  Um, did you just tell Ken to get the hell out of the car?
Her:  Yes, he was bad and wasn't listening.  Why?
Me:  Calla we don't say things like that, that's why.
Her:  Ok (resumes playing)

I leave the room to go to the bathroom and come back and find this: (Sorry turn the pic sideways)

Me: Um, Calla
Her: Yes Mommy
Me: Why is Ken in the corner?
Her: He is in a time out.
Me: Why, what did he do?
Her: He wouldn't get the hell out of the car when Barbie asked him to. 

For the love I swear I am getting nowhere here.

I learned that sticking your tongue out at drivers who piss you off is much more effective then flipping them off.  The driver is totally caught off guard because they don't expect it, and it is way easier then trying to explain why I am shaking my middle finger at someone to a 4 yr old.  I have visions that if I was to flip someone off once, then the 4 yr old in the back seat would flip everyone off while driving. 

Lets see..... what else have I learned.

I learned that chickens prefer organic balsamic vinagrette to caesar dressing, but the dog will eat leftover salad that has been in the rain and picked over by chickens either way.  Preferably with a side of chicken poop.  Did I tell you the dog also showed up at the back door the other day with an egg in her mouth.  Not cracked, perfect.  I just wish she could talk and tell me where the rest of them are because this daily egg hunt is starting to get on my nerves.  I wouldn't mind so much if it actually included marsmallow Peeps and Cadbury chocolate eggs at the end. 

I learned that India will throw up pretty much any formula in a bottle you feed her 30 seconds after she is done.  Lactose free, soy based, acid reflux with rice, generic, name brand.  She isn't particular.

No she doesn't have huge feet.  Come on she is my kid.  It's just the angle.

And finally I learned that its ok to put your child to bed in a Disney princess nightgown Tuesday night, only to have her wake up Wednesday morning and wear it for the entire day, and then fall asleep in it and wear it to bed again that night.  Heck the only thing we changed today were her underwear and princess cha cha shoes.  What can I say I didn't get out of my pj's till 3 pm when I realized that if I had enough energy to put on actual clothes and drive my lazy butt into town it would be 1/2 price happy hour for frappuccinos down at the local Starchunks.  Plowing snow messes up your entire day even if you aren't the one doing it.  

Adios.  I'm off  to bed so I can wake up bright and early to stalk some chickens. 

XOXO