Saturday, December 24, 2011

'Twas The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all though the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse; (Ok, so it is highly likely there is a mouse or 2 in the basement.)
The stockings were hung by the chimney grate with care, (Cause we don't have a chimney, Santa uses the door.)
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads; (And thankfully not mine, because I am so done with anything related to Nutcracker.)
And mamma in her sweat pants, and I in my boxers,
Had just passed out on the couch at 8:30 pm for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. (Because if it is was the septic system that just got fixed I would be pissed.)
Away to the window I flew like a flash, (Tripped over the twit and twat in the process.)
Tore open the curtains and threw up the blinds.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below, (huh?)
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny chickens, (What, like you thought I would actually say reindeer? At least chickens can fly.)

With a little old driver, so lively and quick, (hum....wonder if the fat man wants to learn how to drive a plow truck?)
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his chickens they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, (Cause we still haven't done a fall clean up at our house.)
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew, (Down here guys, remember no chimney.)
With a sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too. (Wow, those chickens sure ate their Wheeties this morning!)

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the porch
The pecking and scratching of each little claw.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Through the front door St. Nicholas came with a bound. (So help me if he wakes up India)

He was dressed in all fur, from his head to his foot, (PETA is coming!  PETA is coming!)
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot; (Damn it I just mopped the floors!)
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack. (So I thought to myself, where the hell are we supposed to store all of that?)

His eyes- How they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! (Yo Santa, I have a facial cream from Nordstrom that could do wonders for that.)
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the bead of his chin was as white as the snow; (Hey what do you know, Dave's is too!)

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath; (Febreeze, where is my can of Febreeze?)
He had a broad face and a lithe round belly
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly. (Just like me!)

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself; (It's ok, I laugh at myself all the time.)
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, (Dirty old man. But hey these days, I ain't complaining.  I'll take what I can get.)
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread; (Which is good, because I had to quit watching CSI for that very reason.)

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose, (Santa please don't farmer's blow in the house, I'll get you a tissue.)
And giving a nod, out the door he closed;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, (Trust me, they would come much quicker if you give them a pancake or banana.)
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

Merry Christmas from our family to yours!
Us! :)

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