Who the Hell is Jeannine

Things the Dipshit Dingo Dog ate while I was on a 2 1/2 hr phone call to Mumbai, India.

1 - Red Crayon
1 - Color Wonder Marker
1 - Tupperware of Mama Pea mmm sauce (container was empty) lid completely destroyed
1- Full Color Printer Cartridge HP 61(Found packaging, but cartridge gone way of dodo)
1- Toms Shoe Box
1- Box of Tissues
2 - Stems and lids off of carved pumpkins on front porch
2 - Candles inside of carved pumpkins once tops were eaten off

Things India ate while I was on a 2 1/2 hr phone call to her Namesake Motherland.

1- Red Crayon (Remains of which she fed to the dipshit dingo dog)
1- Package of Gummy's
1- Reese's Peanut Butter Cup
5-Pita chips
1-Falafel

Things I shouldn't have eaten while on the phone with "Victor" (yeah kind of like that Capital One commercial with "Peggy") at Quickbooks Support in Mumbai. 

3- Falafel
1/3 - Bag of Stacy's pita chips
1/2 - Tub of Garbanzos' Hummus
10 -Yogurt Covered Pretzels with Halloween sprinkles
2- Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
1 - #2 Pencil
All of my fingernails and cuticles

Let me back up and explain.  Last week we decided to convert to the Dark Side and move our existing computer over to a Mac.  Simple, yeah no.  Those commercials lie. They also say for $$$$ they can transfer it all over for you.  El Cheepo was not into that after parting with the cash for the new computer.  I however had no issues about dropping my computer off at the mall (detour through Nordstroms and J Crew) and then taking another trip to the mall to pick it back up (detour through Dillards and Pottery Barn.)  Sounded pretty freaking nice to me.  No, not going to happen.  Summit IT was going to do it.  That would be me.  I am also Summit HR, Summit Marketing, Summit Accounting, and Summit Personal Assistant Secretary in case anyone was wondering.  Transferring 12 yrs worth of accounting, installing landscape design software, and 3 printers to each operating system; Lion and Windows is no bloody picnic.  Did I mention Summit IT hasn't worked on a Mac since we had those wine in a box looking Macintosh computer in 6th grade Sycamore Elementary School Computer Lab.

Anyway, today I was trying to register the same Quickbooks software we have been running for years complete with upgrades every so often.  It downloaded fine, and even transferred all the numbers right, but wouldn't let me register.  I have to register in order to use the payroll service.  So I called Customer Service and got a lady who just kept repeating everything I said.  She mentioned she had some bad news and that someone named Jeannine was registered to my Quickbooks and she couldn't register it because we can't share and it was hers.  Ummm WhoTF is Jeannine??? I purchased this copy along with 12 other versions upstairs.  I had the box and opened the factory seals myself back in 2009.  I have downloaded this copy on 2 other computers successfully as well.  Only one user copy even, and it has never been a problem.  Finally I got "Victor" because she was done with my ballistic yelling about F'n Jeannine.  (I really lost it after she called me Jeannine for the 5th time.) "Victor" said originally Jeannine bought the copy I had from Sams Club, registered it, and then returned it.  Long story short (too late) "Victor" was done with me too, and tried to give me some code to put in.  It didn't work, but it was the screen I needed to put in a random scribbled code I had on the box.  It worked and registered.  "Victor" was happy I stopped screaming obscenities at him.  He then proceeded to try and sell me some software and I told him he was pushing his luck and hung up.

UPDATE:
My lovely super smart computer savvy Sister in Law helped me with a bunch of loose ends today, while my awesome brother in law made us lunch and played with India.  She even got me on the cloud.  My head is already in the clouds, but now at least things are going where they are supposed to be going and doing what they are supposed to be doing on the computer.   I guess setting up computers is like childbirth.  You forget how bad it is until you have to do it again.  I don't plan on doing either anytime in the near future.

After all is said and done hopefully the only Mac I will be dealing with in the near future is one that involves blue sparkly eye shadow and Viva Glam lipstick.

As for Jeannine, lets just say it is probably best we don't meet in a dark alley anytime soon.

Cara

Stupid Conversations

So over the last week or so it seems like I have had nothing but stupid conversations with people.  Maybe it is because this is a crazy time of year for us, and it is hard trying to do it with 2 kids.  Or my patience is just not what it used to be.  Ok, so maybe I have never been a patient person, but can’t we just pretend  for 5 min. I was before I had a 2 yr old and a 5 yr old.  Let me entertain you with some of the conversations I have had lately.

At the Dentist’s office:

Receptionist: Kayla we are ready for you.

Me: Actually her name is Calla, like the flower. 

Receptionist: Oh how pretty, I had Calla lilies at my wedding.  Ready to go back now Kayla?

At the lake running with the dipshit dingo dog:

Random walker: Oh, what a nice looking dog, may I pet him?  Wow he sure does have huge ears!

Me: Sure. (dragging Rusty over from the lake side who has managed to find part of a dead crab like claw left over by some fisherman or animal and is chomping and crunching  loudly) He won’t bite you, but if you get him wet or feed him after 9 pm he turns into a Gremlin.  Hence the big ears. 

Random walker:  Heh Heh. 

Rusty: chomp chomp crunch crunch. 

Checkout Lady at King Stupids (aka Kroger for those of you in the South) Grocery Store:

Lady: How old is your little girl? She looks like she is about 3.

Me: No, she is only 21 months.

Lady: No, the bigger one.

Me: Um yeah, she’s 5. 

Lady behind me at Target waiting in line to checkout:

Lady: Excuse me, but do mind if I ask you where you got your top, it is really cute? 

Me: Thank you.  I got it on sale at this store in Boulder a while ago.

http://shop.lululemon.com/products/clothes-accessories/women-we-made-too-much/Priiti-Tank?cc=0001&skuId=3417848&catId=women-we-made-too-much

Lady: Why it is just darling, my daughter just found out she was expecting and is feeling really frumpy and chubby right now because she is just starting to show.  I figure if I can get her some cute clothes that show she is pregnant, she might feel better. 

Me: Well….Congratulations to you both.  I am actually done having babies and can’t have anymore, but it looks like my Halloween candy baby is starting to show, so I guess it is back to peas, brown rice, and spray butter next week for me. 

And my personal favorite

Telemarketer calling during dinner:

Her: My name is so and so, and I am with the Energy Coalition and we were wanting to ask some questions about an energy audit at your home blah blah blah, is your Mom or Dad home, so I can talk to them about this?

Me: I am the Mommy, and I live in a 100 yr. old farmhouse that is extremely inefficient.  You are welcome to talk to my husband, but he doesn’t like it when I call him Daddy. 

Dave (from the other room): Who are you talking too?

Me: A lady from the energy blah blah blah wants to speak to my mom or dad.

Dave: Tell them they don’t live here and hang up. 

Dick and Jane

See Grandma

See Grandpa

Come see Grandma and Grandpa make complete fools of themselves onstage at this years Nutcracker.

There will be 6 performances in Ft. Collins at the Lincoln Center, and 6 in Loveland at the Rialto.  More info on the Ft. Collins shows and where to get tickets can be found here:

http://www.fcgov.com/lctix/show.php?id=244

Remember I am playing Grandma in all shows, no alternate.  This will not be a tutu, toe shoe, top heavy Chinese wig wearing show for me.  This also means I don’t have to starve myself to fit into any of those things, and I will be in a better mood for the next few weeks.

Pops and I will definitely make the party scene fun, but if you are afraid of falling asleep during the show, I would suggest a matinee.  Dave will be attending a matinee for this reason.  Most likely with my Mother and Children who will be dressed in some form of a tutu……. My Children, not my Mother or Dave.  If you would like to sit with them all in a row and hoot and holler when I fall on my ass numerous times, email me by next Wed., and I will get you tickets to the Sat. matinee.  You can pay me back at some point.  Pappy and I hope to see you there. 

Fall is Here……Sort of

The Rocky Mountains are getting snow, and this glorious aspen filled picture was taken in in the Foothills right above us.  My CCB Ballet husband Greg Hughes takes insanely beautiful pictures on his bike rides.  (Seriously this  mountain loop for him was 87 miles. )  Way better then I can, so I figured you would rather see the picture he took then a blurry, too much sun, and shadow filled picture that I would have taken.  Thanks Greggy!  The cooler air however is just a tease.  Next week it will be back into the 80’s.  Oh Joy! 

Today we had a real bang up job of a day.  First, the dipshit dingo dog decided to eat all of the glued on dried macaroni and equally hard marshmallows off the Letter “M” project.  How do you explain to a 5 yr. old at 7:30 this morning on the way out the door that is having a mini mermaid freak out (ones that involve flailing like a mermaid out of water) that either the dog was going to eat it, or the mice will later this winter if I put it in the basement and save it.  So either way it was doomed.  I told her she needed to get over it.  We have other things to worry about like remembering to bring in Show and Tell.   This week was something that started with the letter “S” and we had until today to bring it in.  We of course remembered in the parking lot at 7:55 am this morning.  I made her take in the can of foaming Sunscreen SPF 75.   It was either that or the sports bra I had for later.  I told her she needed to explain how important it was to wear sunscreen on you face everyday when you live at a high altitude to help prevent sun damage and wrinkles.  She looked at me like I was a freak and then said, “Don’t worry, I got it covered I’ll just show them how it foams.” 

Speaking of the basement, the hot water heater decided to finally crap out yesterday.  The water had slowly been getting colder and colder.  We did get it fixed today because I was going on 3 days without a shower, and Dave was on day 4.  I stopped to shower up at my parents after I dropped of my mini me and her bottle of foaming sunscreen at school this morning.  It is like going to a day spa.  A big fat rain shower head (with hot water ) and all sorts of nice bath products stolen from my mom’s bathroom made me super happy.  Seeing as I am too busy and lazy right now to boil some water for Me, Pa n’ the chillins for the ol’ tub, the tank needed to be fixed asap.  After a pricing snafu being honored and a pan of brownies for the plumber, I was able to score the whole heater for a better price then it could have been.  We now have hot water again and I couldn’t be happier. 

So it looks like the rice pot that shit out earlier this week that was going to get replaced with a combo steamer, rice cooker, oatmeal maker, and egg boiler will have to wait a bit.  I am not even sure  I know how to make rice any other way except for steam in the bag in the microwave.  When Dave and I first started dating he made me a yummy chicken dinner with rice.  He was in the kitchen boiling the rice and I asked him what in the world was he doing.  He replied, “making rice.”  I proceeded to follow it up with the very blond answer of, “I didn’t know you could make rice on the stove?” We had a long talk about the Chamorros that evening over dinner.  I don’t think he fully understood the whole famdamnily, and their affection for their rice pots, until he walked into a Guamanian kitchen in 1999 at a mini reunion in San Diego.  Sitting on the counter were no less then 4- 5 rice pots plugged in and lined up ready to go next to a whole roast pig sitting on the counter waiting to be carved. 

Tomorrow is Friday.  Calla has a running laps around the school fundraiser  to raise money for the hospital tomorrow.  I called each grandparent, spared the rest of the family in town, and proceeded to throw a $20 in the envelope and called it good.  I figured I had 2 c–sections with the hospital system and paid enough money to them already.  She will not be winning the prize for donations collected but gets some good exercise.  I asked if we could come and watch her her run, and she boldly said, “NO!”  I asked her if she would be embarrassed if we were there to cheer her on.  Her response….”YES!”  Well ok then.

I’ll go run my own laps without her tomorrow, and then come home and take a nice hot long shower!

What we have been eating Wednesday

Let’s start with the dipshit dingo dog and his rollito.  Here are a list of the things he has ingested in the last week:

1 mouse, 1 bird caught mid air, 1/2 roll of toilet paper, copious amount of chicken shit, the tabs only off 3 non soiled diapers, 1 bean bag, 1 blue crayon, 1 red crayon with sparkles in it, and my smart wool slippers.  (still pissed off about the last one)

Moving onto the pigtailed demon who is named after a large country.  Things she has either eaten or attempted to eat this week:

The tip off of a green marker, random mini lalaloopsy toys, the paint off an elmo barrette, a dog toy, and 1blue crayon the dog didn’t finish. 

Needless to say it has been one big happy rainbow poop fest around here. 

I made the mistake of buying a large bag of Romaine lettuce heads at Sam’s Club last week.  I couldn’t find the normal 3 pack at 2 grocery stores. However, it is now like a self inflicted CSA share with all this damn lettuce around.  We have made a good attempt to eat all 8 heads before they went bad.  Let me just start by saying I am really freakin sick of salads.  We have had taco salad, caeser salad, chef salad, asian chicken salad, and just plain old garden salad for dinner.  If I had the energy I would make the Pioneer Woman’s steak salad, but I am just not sure I can do it.  We are down to 1 head and unless someone can come up with a good recipe for lettuce for me, it might wind up as chicken food.  By the way when I plugged lettuce into Tasty Kitchen, I wound up with a recipe for soup.  Lettuce soup??  Not sure about that.  Think I’ll go munch on a blue crayon like everyone else around here instead. 

Highs and Lows

Last week a friend and I were walking through Nordstroms and we passed a really cute pregnant lady getting off the elevator.  I found myself sighing and saying I miss being pregnant.  My friend gave me this look like “do you want me to slap you now, or would you like to do it yourself.”  Of course I don’t want to actually be pregnant, nor is it even possible, but there are some things I do and don’t miss about being pregnant.  Let’s start with the don’ts because they far outweigh the do’s:

1. Heartburn –For some reason only got this with India (little shit she is) Still can’t eat certain pizzas without medicine. 

2. Throwing up daily  - Had with both kids, never went away until delivered, and still have issues today eating chicken and brushing my teeth.  Sour Patch Kids were consumed by the Sam’s Club size bag full.  This helped.

3. Insomnia and not sleeping worth shit – I was up constantly at 3 am ready to go.  Because of this I saw some really bad Julie Andrews’ movies that are only on AMC at 3 am for a reason. 

4. Uncomfortable – Braxon Hicks, Round ligament pain, sciatica, the fact that I am barely 5’2 and there was not much room in the inn for the baby Jesus.

5. Super high blood pressure  – What, like 190/110 is high??? Isn’t everyone’s like that? 

Obviously I could go on, but I’ll spare you. 

Do’s:

1. Using the excuse I am not fat, just pregnant. This was huge for me.  It was super liberating not having to worry about my weight for once in my life.

2. Food: Not having to explain why the whole package of Oreos or peanut M&M’s is gone in 2 days. Or even apologizing for ordering a large trash can lid of fried green tomatoes, potato skins, and fried cheese sampler for yourself only at Sanfords.

3.  Pants with an elastic waistband or panel.  RIP maternity jeans I will forever miss you.  “snif ” 

4. Getting a baby at the end of it all.  I love babies.  This toddler stage has it’s moments, but for the most part it kind of sucks.  Babies need you, and give you an excuse to sit on the couch for long periods of time.  Because you don’t want to disturb the them of course. 

5. Not having to clean a super dusty chicken shit filled coop, because you told your husband the Dr. said it wasn’t ok, and very bad like cleaning out a cat box.  Ok……so it is actually fine and doesn’t have the toxicplasmosis or whatever nasty things cat boxes have that I can’t remember or spell correctly.  But he doesn’t know that.  Because he is busy watching Monday Night Football, and not reading “What to Expect When You Are Expecting.”

This is what I thought this morning when I got back from my run and had to muck the coop because it was way beyond time and the dumpster was actually nearby therefore making it easier on me. 

This is the chicken shit and shavings needing to be shoveled out.  It is actually about 2 –3 ft. deep in areas.  For the record we have 10 chickens and it has been about 2 months since the last cleaning.

This is Twit and Twat gobbling up as much chicken shit as possible before getting smacked with a broom.  Because the smell later this afternoon from their asses will be just heavenly if they keep eating.

This is my nasty, stinky, dusty self after running 3 miles and mucking the coop.  Gorgeous huh.  It is a good thing we aren’t trying to have a baby, because this look is not what I would call a turn on. 

 

Hope your day is filled with fried chicken, oreos, and adorable sweet smelling babies.  You know……. the good things about chickens and pregnancy.

P.S. For those wondering.  My shirt says, “My favorite part of running is stopping.”  Nuff said! 

Tijeras & Engrapadoras & Albondigas from Ikea.

Hola amigos.  As we enter another week of what I would like to call “AP Kindergarten”  I feel like I am the one in school all over again. 

So I get an email this weekend that said homegirl would have a Spanish quiz this week and we need to work on some vocabulary.  I am thinking ok, no biggie.   What would a kid in elementary school learn first in Spanish.  Fruit, colors, Dora & Diego?  Um no….items from the classroom.  I have had numerous years of Spanish growing up in Texas, and also here in CO.  My best friend’s parents even made us only speak Spanish at the dinner table.  I am also the person who purposely failed her Spanish placement test in College so she could place into Spanish 1 because it had 3 language credits and Spanish 5 only had 2.  I needed 3 “easy” credits to graduate and was so over trying to speak Italian with a Spanish/Texas Southern accent.  Shhh. Don’t tell CSU.  The worst part of it all is since I have no one to talk to, I don’t actually speak Spanish all that well.  Oh sure, I can conjugate a verb like no one’s business.  But if you are from Mexico and you don’t speak English and you need directions to Ikea because you have a craving for some meatballs and cheap furniture, I am afraid you are shit out of luck.  I’ll have to draw you a map with pictures.  Complete with some cute little round albondigas at the end. 

Fast forward to last night with my mini chalupa and I sitting on the couch trying to memorize Spanish words about the classroom.  No big deal right.  Paper  = Papel, check.  Pencil = Lapiz, check.  Scissors uhhhh…. WTF are scissors in Spanish?  Recently I dug an old Spanish textbook out of my parent’s basement because I knew this day would come.   Unfortunately the book is from 1965.  I figured Hell, how much could the Spanish language have changed since 1965?  Now I know they had scissors in 1965, but evidently not in any Spanish speaking countries.  So I did what any good Mom in 2011 would do.  I Googled it on my i phone.  

I then spent the next 1/2 hr explaining to a 5 yr old how the “j” in tijeras sounds like a “h” not a “j.”  Good thing she knew what everything else was because I kept answering because it just is.  Hopefully next week they will have a quiz on something easier like clothes in the laundry basket or how to order a top shelf frozen margarita.  Things I don’t have to Google.  Knowing my luck it is likely to be words like carburetor or pomegranate. 

I did hightail it to B&N today to purchase the English/Spanish Oxford Picture Dictionary.  It was written in 2009.  So now we can give Gidget back her Spanish textbook  from 1965 and I can go back to doing more useful things on my phone like pinning rugs  for the living room on Pinterest. 

Now if you will excuse me I am off to find my engrapadora someone took it along with my piece of torta.