Monday, December 24, 2012

Twas the night before Christmas

Well folks, it is a Christmas miracle.  We might just get a white Christmas after all.  I am happy about this even though there is the possibility Dave may be working tonight and tomorrow early.  We have a church that we plow.  So of course they get special exceptions on Christmas and Easter if it snows.  Maybe we will all pile in the truck with him, and hit up Starbucks since they are the only place open.  We can start a whole new family tradition.  We don't go a caroling we go a plowing and a shoveling.

The other day when I was trolling the world wide web I stumbled upon a Goop article.  The great Gwyneth suggests folding 1000 paper cranes for a friend who needs a wish this Christmas.  That must be some friend, since I have only ever seen this done at weddings and usually the whole family helps fold.  Sure it is non expensive but I am pretty convinced arthritis would set in on crane 999 and I wouldn't ever be able to move my fingers properly again.  But what the hell, she's right, at least it would be memorable.

This of course got me thinking of what other completely ridiculous Christmas gifts were out there that I would actually like to receive.  I am not talking about pajama jeans.  Although those jeans are pretty damn tempting for my lazy ass.  I am talking gifts no one would purchase for me.  Or maybe they would if the price was right!

1. And where does one go to shop for those Christmas gifts first?  Why straight to the Neiman Marcus Christmas Catalog of course. :)  Oh Neiman's how I miss having cookies and salads with my friends in your cafe as a young girl growing up at the mall in the early 90's in Texas.

Now what would a now Colorado girl like me find in the Catalog this year.  Designer shoes?   Nope, chickens of course.,a,b,c,z&r=cat24050744&rdesc=The%20Christmas%20Book&rparams=xpage%3D64&icid=O5415

HOLY SHIT!  Please just open the link.  There are no words to describe Chez Poulet.  For anyone who has had to actually shovel chicken shit and the shit of 1000 barn swallows freeloading out of a coop will wonder..... artwork and chandeliers?  And let us not forget that Svetlana will personally fly from Florida to do onsite visits.  Because God forbid, you forgot to add oyster shells to the feed for your precious chicky poos.  But seriously, for $100,0000 why the hell is delivery not included.

Anyway moving on.

2. Yes, I will admit it, I read 50 Shades of Gray and its 2 follow up novels.  I didn't love it, I pretty much wanted to slap Anastasia the whole time for being so naive.  I guess I have read way too many romance novels in my lifetime because it just didn't live up to its hype.  It was a bland romance and too light to be a porn novel.

So the next gift I found is not an S&M/bondage room to add on to the back of our house renovation, (Sorry honey!) but a book on tying up chickens.

The reading in this has got to be better than 50 Shades of Gray, and I might actually get something out of it.  Because contrary to popular belief, I am pretty sure it is harder to truss a chicken vs someone to the bed post?  :)

3. I saw an infomercial for this next gift, and it peaked my interest enough to look into it.  Possibly because I thought it might come with Jillian Michaels instead of Svetlana yelling at my lazy ass to move it move it.  I guess that requires a trip to the Ranch for that to happen.  But finally, something with free shipping.

This actually looks promising.  Not only can I run the hills in Switzerland thanks to GPS maps, me and my introverted self can do it all within the privacy of my own home at my embarassing slow ass 15 min. mile pace.

4. While we are on the subject of working out, I thought I would share this next present with you.  I might not actually use it to work out with though.  It is way too pretty.  I would put it in my living room and just stare at it and pretend I am a hard core poser.

Oh my heavens!  I have wanted a stand up paddle board for a while.  Yes, I realize don't live near any ocean, and the closest lake was shut down last year due to high "bacteria" levels., (aka cow poop run off.)  But look at it.  My inner Gidget so needs this.  Once I figure out how to carry the damn thing that is.

5. And on the 12th day of Christmas my true love did NOT give this to me.

But I am pretty sure we might have some Timber Lok spikes in the job trailer leftover that we use to hold together raised garden beds with so Dave can make this for me.  My arm might turn green after wearing it, but according to Cartier it is "an expression of a rebellious nature and the reflection of self belief."  Perfect!

I hope y'all have a Merry Christmas and may Santa bring you peace, happiness, and all your wishes.


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