Thursday, June 16, 2011

They say it's your birthday.......

So this morning I woke up to the hot mess that is my kitchen.  

The worst part is Dave and I keep going to the silverware drawer to get a fork knowing damn well there is only 1 knife in there because the rest is either dirty or still in the dishwasher.

India was a cranky pants last night so I wasn't able to get the dishes done.  Was only able to sit and snuggle and watch So You Think You Can Dance.  Aw damn. twist my arm....  That show always amazes me, and the dancers this season are freakin incredible.  Melanie is so far my fav.  Her statue dance blew me away.  I am not sure what I miss more.  Being a 19 yr old dancer, or having a 19 yr old dancer's body.  If you know me, then you know I miss my 6 pack more.

Speaking of a six pack or lack there of, something I do every year on my birthday is a bathing suit birthday evaluation.  Since it is June and we are usually doing something involving water, it is a good time to pull out the suits and figure out which one I can stand to be seen in public in.  I have a couple of options to choose from.  And no you won't be getting any modeling shots.  F that. 

Up first, the Lucky Brand bikini from my honeymoon.  Um yeah.....not even an option.  Next!

2nd option - a striped terrycloth Juicy Couture bikini that says JUICY really big across the ass. 
So not even going there.  That is like taking a billboard out.  Why I even have that still is beyond me.  Kind of like asking me why I still have the teeny tiny CSU windshorts I was wearing when I hooked up with Dave for the first time again at school?  I don't know?  To torture myself obviously, because they fit my left arm and Calla.

3rd option - Athleta tankini top and matching miniskirt bottom.
My friend K rocks the mini skirt bathing suit bottom.  Me, not so much.  Too much junk in the trunk going on down there to make it work, and it just rides up.  Someone recently told me SPANX is now making bathing suits and all I have to say is it's about time.  A couple of years back I found a bathing suit I liked and bought 4 different matching pieces, a bikini top, tankini top, bikini bottom, and skirt bottom.  I just mix and match them to suit my needs, and this way I didn't have to go to a store dressing room to decide.  One of life's more painful experiences next to laying buck naked on my back on the OR table with everyone watching, arms out like Jesus ready to have a C section. 

4th option - A Gap tankini, and Athleta bottom, with board shorts. 
For those 2 men who read this, a tankini is like a tight tank top, or an extended bikini top.  This worked last year when I was still breastfeeding because it held things in.  Not sure about it this year.  Things just smooshed, rolled, and muffin topped out.  Can't use the baby fat excuse anymore seeing as she walks, talks, and has teeth. 

Last ditch option - Athleta bikini top and bottom, and board shorts.
Well.... believe it or not the bikini top was the best option.  It is well padded on the top to make up for the lack of boobies.  So padded I have to squeeze all of the water out if I get them soaked.  Attractive.   Because it is a bikini, my "bowl full of jelly" just sort of hangs out.  But hey, it was better looking then trying to shove it all in.  And it all works because my badonkadonk is well covered too.  Now if I can just work up the courage to head to the pool and actually get wet.

After the depressing parade in front of the mirror, Calla came in and reminded me that last year we went to Lucille's and had beignets, and could we go again.  What.....What am I supposed to say, no honey we are going to have a nice egg white scramble with turkey bacon and asparagus on my birthday.  Hell to the no.  I threw on a mumu and grabbed both kids and off we went to have pain perdu, beignets, and Hank's eggs on the patio.   Now that I am home again home again jiggly jig, and ready to pop,  I offer a toast to you with powdered sugar still on my chin......  May your bathing suit experience this season be smoother then mine.  And if it isn't, just remember there will always be someone that looks better then you at the pool, (she will probably be 15, and if she isn't feel free to give her dirty looks behind your sunglasses and US Weekly.) And there will be someone who will look worse then you.  Make sure you park your camp next to them. 

Off to tackle the dishes and play in the sprinklers in my front yard with the kids in the last resort option. 

XOXO. Me:)

1 comment:

  1. you & I had the same bathing suit fun. And this year I have a boat that the family is pretty much living on. I had lofty aspirations of exercise this summer too & then I dislocated my kneecap dancing with Cody at at wedding. So now I am at the mercy of food. lord help me! ;)