Highs and Lows

Last week a friend and I were walking through Nordstroms and we passed a really cute pregnant lady getting off the elevator.  I found myself sighing and saying I miss being pregnant.  My friend gave me this look like “do you want me to slap you now, or would you like to do it yourself.”  Of course I don’t want to actually be pregnant, nor is it even possible, but there are some things I do and don’t miss about being pregnant.  Let’s start with the don’ts because they far outweigh the do’s:

1. Heartburn –For some reason only got this with India (little shit she is) Still can’t eat certain pizzas without medicine. 

2. Throwing up daily  - Had with both kids, never went away until delivered, and still have issues today eating chicken and brushing my teeth.  Sour Patch Kids were consumed by the Sam’s Club size bag full.  This helped.

3. Insomnia and not sleeping worth shit – I was up constantly at 3 am ready to go.  Because of this I saw some really bad Julie Andrews’ movies that are only on AMC at 3 am for a reason. 

4. Uncomfortable – Braxon Hicks, Round ligament pain, sciatica, the fact that I am barely 5’2 and there was not much room in the inn for the baby Jesus.

5. Super high blood pressure  – What, like 190/110 is high??? Isn’t everyone’s like that? 

Obviously I could go on, but I’ll spare you. 

Do’s:

1. Using the excuse I am not fat, just pregnant. This was huge for me.  It was super liberating not having to worry about my weight for once in my life.

2. Food: Not having to explain why the whole package of Oreos or peanut M&M’s is gone in 2 days. Or even apologizing for ordering a large trash can lid of fried green tomatoes, potato skins, and fried cheese sampler for yourself only at Sanfords.

3.  Pants with an elastic waistband or panel.  RIP maternity jeans I will forever miss you.  “snif ” 

4. Getting a baby at the end of it all.  I love babies.  This toddler stage has it’s moments, but for the most part it kind of sucks.  Babies need you, and give you an excuse to sit on the couch for long periods of time.  Because you don’t want to disturb the them of course. 

5. Not having to clean a super dusty chicken shit filled coop, because you told your husband the Dr. said it wasn’t ok, and very bad like cleaning out a cat box.  Ok……so it is actually fine and doesn’t have the toxicplasmosis or whatever nasty things cat boxes have that I can’t remember or spell correctly.  But he doesn’t know that.  Because he is busy watching Monday Night Football, and not reading “What to Expect When You Are Expecting.”

This is what I thought this morning when I got back from my run and had to muck the coop because it was way beyond time and the dumpster was actually nearby therefore making it easier on me. 

This is the chicken shit and shavings needing to be shoveled out.  It is actually about 2 –3 ft. deep in areas.  For the record we have 10 chickens and it has been about 2 months since the last cleaning.

This is Twit and Twat gobbling up as much chicken shit as possible before getting smacked with a broom.  Because the smell later this afternoon from their asses will be just heavenly if they keep eating.

This is my nasty, stinky, dusty self after running 3 miles and mucking the coop.  Gorgeous huh.  It is a good thing we aren’t trying to have a baby, because this look is not what I would call a turn on. 

 

Hope your day is filled with fried chicken, oreos, and adorable sweet smelling babies.  You know……. the good things about chickens and pregnancy.

P.S. For those wondering.  My shirt says, “My favorite part of running is stopping.”  Nuff said!