Workin' 9-5

Sometimes the word "work" is a 4 letter word.  One of those bad words that Calla isn't supposed to say at a school.

When you own your own business, you may be able to turn off the light and lock the door, When you own your own business, work out of your home and with your husband, work is never-ending.  Sometimes Dave works so hard, it is pretty cray cray.  And since he isn't a Spring Chicken anymore we decided to get him some help.  A friend of mine mentioned to me earlier last year in a class at the gym that a friend of hers was looking to relocate with his wife to Ft. Collins.  He was a landscaper in a different state working for a company very similar to ours.  Long story short, we hired him, and he starts tomorrow.  (So excited!)

We also hired another guy to work as a general laborer to be a jack of all trades.  He will mow, landscape, and get to be the company pretty boy I send out when someone's sprinkler system is freaking out and he will make everything better.  :)

Truth be told, when you put up an ad on Craig's List you never know what you will get.  I picked through 30 applicants that wanted the job based on the description we posted.  Keep in mind we were hiring a general laborer who knew his head from a hole in the ground.  Hah!  And they had to be willing to work for relatively cheap of course.

We had one guy who applied for the job who had over 20 yrs. of experience as an electrician for the city.  Did I mention I was hiring a landscaper????  Best part was he emailed from Guam.  Wanted me to know there was a significant time difference if we wanted to chat on the phone.  Yes sir, I know where Guam is and I even know how to make red rice so it isn't mushy or crunchy.  But Hafa Adai Dude you are an electrician not a landscaper.

About 6 of the resumes came from the Department of Corrections.  5 of those were from work release, been there done that, and 1 was still locked up?  (Yeah, you figure it out?)    3 of them had their wife or girlfriend email in response to the ad. 1 of those women had an electronic signature at the bottom of the email complete with blinking purple sparkle hearts and the name "Tonya." I have this vision of "Tonya" in my head as being a 47 yr. old cougar biker chick who smokes, wears tight acid washed jeans, high heels, and has a purse with fringe.  Some of them even considered themselves to be landscapers, because they helped their Dad to install some sod about 10 yrs. ago in high school over summer break.

The first guy we interviewed wanted to rework our business to make it his own.  He also wanted a "bennie" package so he could have a 401 K, health insurance, unemployment through the winter, and for us to sign off that he was employed to the mortgage company so he could get a house loan.  Um..Bye Bye. 1st day you work for me, you sign a form for that says I know my job is SEASONAL!

My favorite job candidates though were not just the ones who had really bad grammar, but the ones that responded back to the email in Text language.  Not sure what I am talking about??? Here, let me enlighten you:

Hi i m John.  i saw ur hiring.  I m intrstd in job.  pls call soon so can tlk abt job.  thx.  John

So not kidding.  Gee um, wndr why u rn't getn hired?  LOL! WTF!  See it's fun, but come on.  I can't pull my hair out anymore.  It just doesn't grow back like it used to.

Unfortunately when you just need general laborers Craig's List is pretty much it, unless you put up a print ad on the bulletin board at Whole Foods or the bagel shop or something.  But at least it is done for this season.  Now....we just need the phone to ring so we can get this party started.   Next time I have to hire someone, I am trying this, because why not.  What the Hell.

image via pinterest

LYLAS ur new BFF,  Me:)

Once upon a Pinterest dream

Perhaps you have heard of a little thing called Pinterest?

You can learn all sorts of things from Pinterest.  How to dress with an unlimited budget, make fancy cocktails and find all sorts of junk to recycle and decorate your home with.  It also has unlimited crafts for your bored and whining child to do on a day off from school.  

Step one:

Go to Home Depot with instructions for your 5 yr old in the car beforehand.   "If anyone asks, we are looking for colors to repaint your bedroom."  

Step two:

Enter paint section and proceed to pick out a crap ton of Disney paint chips for free in a rainbow array of colors.  

Step three:

Head home and talk Daddy into doing 95% of the project found on Pinterest for you.  

Exhibit A

An Easter egg garland courtesy of Behr Paint & The Home Depot

One of the things I kept seeing on Pinterest over the Holidays were headboards made out of reclaimed wood.  Every picture I pinned and showed Dave he kept telling me he could make make better.  Since we live on an old dairy farm it only seemed fitting our bed be something different and made out of barn wood.  Free was good.  

So, El Cheepo decided free was good too, and rounded up some old fencing and corrugated metal roofing to make me a bed for Christmas.  He was also excited he didn't have to brave the mall to pick something out either.  

  

(Don't ya just love my excellent i phone picture taking?)  The option to leave the metal off the back of the bed was there and have it be open, but I really wanted to have the metal incorporated somehow.  He even managed to find pieces that still had the hardware holes.  

It is the perfect amount of rustic without saying "Howdy folks, welcome to our Dude Ranch."  Because we don't have a Dude Ranch.  We have a dipshit dingo dog ranch.  

Y'all come back now ya hear?  No seriously...... I just found a new recipe for Sweet Tea on Pinterest.  

XOXO

LOVE

Love is:

Dressing up little girls in as much pink as you can find for Valentine's Day at school. (Wasn't exactly hard.)

Love is:

Sharing BBQ with your "Sweet Baboo" overlooking the twinkling lights of Old Town.  Yes, I said BBQ.  Mexican food was our next choice.  What.....like you thought I was going to say something romantic like French food or Oysters?  Nobody eats that. 

Love is:

Promising your 5 yr. old that you will visit her classroom for their Valentine's day party.  Even though that many small children, their mothers, and the 20 lbs. of candy & sugar you know is coming home with you afterwards leaves you filled with enough anxiety that a Xanax for lunch beforehand would have been a good idea. 

Love is: 

Attending above mentioned party.  Then having a 5 yr. old boy tell you your fly is down after being at the party for 20 min..  After zipping up and trying to make a joke of the whole thing, you find the one clock hidden in the room and realize you still have 20 more min. to go before the damn party is over, and your child still hasn't completed drawing and pasting the 4 chambers of the heart onto a freakin lace doily.

Hope y'all had a wonderful Valentine's day, and received all of the goodies you were hoping for.  And if you were single this year, I hope you had a drink and enjoyed having some time to yourself.  Because some time to myself these days would be heaven on earth.  I would drink away my anxieties in rum and mint. (after my Xanax)

For those of you wondering what I got for Valentine's Day:

Tile

Because it is the gift that keeps on giving!  :)  

WTF Friday and Saturday

It has been a bit since we did a WTF Friday, and for those of you who are friends with me on Facebook, you know where I am headed with this.  There are just some days and some people that make you go hum.

Yesterday was a day full of running all over creation finishing up some errands, pulling permits, looking at a property for a mowing bid, trolling Habitat for lost treasures etc.

In the midst of all of that I stopped to get my car washed.  The line for the wash part was long, so I decided to vacuum first.  I had just finished the driver's side and moved over to the passenger side when I noticed the woman in the car next to me giving me "the look."  It was not a pretty look.

Just as I pulled the hose out to vacuum she stopped talking on her cell phone outside of the car and said to me, "Could you stop making noise please I am on the phone and I can't hear anything!" As I type this it seems like it could be interpreted as being a polite statement.  It was not.  It took all my strength to not suck that f'n phone off her face and keep on going.  I had so much crap to do yesterday, and I really wasn't in the mood to be confrontational, not to mention she kind of took me off guard.  I was at the car wash.

I just looked at her and said, "SERIOUSLY!"  yelling over the vacuum of course, and went right back to vacuuming.   Perhaps she was having a really bad day, or the call was so damn important she couldn't call them back in a few.  I don't know, but regardless get back in your car and stop yelling at people for no reason.  

Onto today.

This morning it snowed.  Yipee Skippy, Mommy can pay the bills for March.  Dave was out plowing when I got a phone call from him saying he was on his way back here to pick up some ice melt.  (Exciting stuff I know.  Stay with me.)

He came to the back door phone in hand and this is how the conversation went:

Dave: "Did you spend $700 at AT&T yesterday on the business credit card?"

Me: "Um, no.  But a new i phone 4 would be nice.  Even if I did, we are eligible for an upgrade and it    wouldn't cost $700 unless I upgraded both of us, and bought a wireless card too and maybe some new otter boxes." (this is the point when I give too much information to a man who just wants a simple answer because he has been up since 2 am working, and really is not comprehending me and my 2 cup of coffee hyper rambling)  :)

Dave: (Being super patient at this point) "How about Bed Bath and Beyond?"

Me: (After getting "the look" from him after the first question probably best to keep this answer short.)
"Nope?"

Dave "Ok, how about $200 at Home Depot?"

Me: "Yes!  I spent $200 at Home Depot yesterday.  That reminds me, we need to bring in all of the tile I bought out of the trunk of my car."

Dave: ("The look" again along with an eye roll.)  "Ok, well then I guess I'll call Capital One back and tell them my wife bought $200 worth of stuff form Home Depot but not Bed Bath and Beyond."

Me: "Make sure you tell them I also got gas and went to the car wash on that card.  Do you think they want to hear about the lady at the car wash yesterday who......" (Stopped because of "the look")

Needless to say he finished the call with loss prevention in the truck.  Turns out someone in FL, not even here, was having a grand old time on our dime.  Who ever it is,  I hope when the are at the car wash next talking on that shiny new i phone now funded by Capital One, someone like me actually sucks the phone up just to make a point.

Hasta

Simple Math

-Because it is late on Sunday.  9:00 pm is late when you pass out by 9:30 pm.

-Because I have a long week ahead of me helping Dave to prepare for a 3 hr. presentation on Sunday.  (Lord help me!)

-Because Calla's homework this week was so hard, I think it was secretly replaced with that of a 4th grader. Seriously since when are Kindergarteners supposed to add 15 numbers in one row to equal 86?  All of the homework thus far has been, 2 + 2 = 4.  Not 7+7+8+4+6+3+9+......I wish I was kidding.  We had to get out the calculator to check it, because there were so many numbers to just add it in my head.  I am however glad she can count that high, because next week she gets to learn how to balance Mommy's checkbook for extra credit.  No need to go any higher, we went to Target 3 different times this week for various medicines, bananas, gummy bears, running knickers, diapers, and such.  You know, the important stuff.  So there isn't much in there to balance.

-Because Dave made me do fractions and blueprint measurement take offs for an estimate this week.  Did I mention I have an Art History degree?  I rock at Jeopardy especially when buzzed on suds.  I do not rock at adding fractions and converting them into liner feet and square feet to build a retaining wall.

Here is your story problem for the week.  I promise it doesn't involve getting the UPS man from one side of the town to the other in the shortest amount of time possible while making only left hand turns and stopping to pee and grab a Slurpee at 7-11 only once.   Actually now that I think about it, if you add in 2 kids, their 2 schools in 2 different cities, the accountants office, and an additional Starbucks trip, that pretty much resembles my day tomorrow.  Mmmm..... Slurpees.   Are you ready?

3 pounds of Gummy Bears

Minus 1 Pound of Gummy Bears

Equals 2 Guilty Dingo Dogs 

See....Now that wasn't hard was it.

Nighty Night

Que Possum?

I hate show and tell. 

I have decided it is yet another thing the teacher can use to judge what kind of parent you are like.  Seriously, I know I am a whack a doodle, and this is yet another reason why I have the utmost respect for teachers and could never be one of them.  Now I know she probably doesn't do this, and I have no idea why I even care, but it is one of those, "well the thought did cross my mind," kind of things.  

Our show and tell is based on whatever letter they happen to be learning how to write that week.  For instance, if the letter is A, and you bring in an apple or an astronaut, my theory would be you must be a healthy / knowledgeable family who eats no preservatives, hormones, or nitrates, and only lets their kids watch PBS and the Discovery Channel.  Most days of the week I usually don't have any trouble finding crap for show and tell.  I try and go above and beyond to be creative.  That way we aren't bringing in a stuffed animal / toy every week, and or we at least have something different from the other kids.  When they learned the letter "C," I figured everyone was bringing in a car.  So Calla brought in coffee.   

Last week was brought to us by the letter "O."  She of course tells me this 10 min. before we have to walk out the door in the morning to go to school, on the day it is due.  Oh yeah.....She forgot.  Well, what the hell am I supposed to dig up for the letter "O" that quick.  Options that ran through my mind.  Orange?  No... everyone will be bringing that.  1/2 an Onion rotting in the fridge?  Too stinky.  An O.B. Tampon?  Yeah... not sure how to explain that one.  That no applicator thing is kind of tricky.  But at least it fit in the bag per the requirements.  I looked down and saw Chui's old Opossum dog toy sitting in the toy bin.  After a lengthly explanation as to how everyone would think she was so smucking fart for telling them it actually started with the letter "O," and not "P," she was convinced.  So off she skipped with an Opossum, oversized looking rat, chewed up dog toy in her bag.  

Lord only knows what the teacher thought.  Because I can never get a straight answer from Calla at the end of the day as to what she did all damn day, or even how things went.  So I am not sure if the teacher actually thought, "how clever," or "My God, I know they said they lived in the country, and were from back East but what's next??? Kudzu for "K," or Moonshine for "M?" 

So there ya go.  Gotta go make dinner before I drag my sorry butt to Ballet this evening.  Hopefully my ass will be able to walk tomorrow.  By the way, just so you know, I did think about making chicken and dumplings. ;) 

Lion and tigers and birthdays oh my!

So we celebrated India's birthday on Sunday.  We kept things quiet with just a few family members which was just fine for us.  Ok, I say this out loud but what I am actually thinking in my head is, "Yes!!!! We escaped not having to have a big hoopla with coordinated gift bags and admission fees to some bacteria filled place of snot and merriment that kids love to have birthday parties at these days."

Our choices growing up in Texas were the back of a McDonalds, someones backyard, the park, or the Roller Rink.  Now it is crazy all of the options kids have.  Amusement parks, mini golf, jumpy places, elaborate oversized gerbil play structures, stuff an animal, and even cooking schools.  (Ok, so I kind of secretly like the cooking school concept.  Any place that teaches my kid how to roll sushi so I don't have to on somebody else's dime and floor is just fine with me.)

I know eventually I am going to have to suck it up and do something here in the next month or 2, because Calla now has school friends, and I am not sure quite yet how I am supposed to deal with it.  The reasonable side of me who realizes she lives in a 900 sq. ft. house in the country nowhere near these kids and their parents, says, "Have the party away from your house, where the hell are you going to put all of them anyway?"  The unreasonable part of me who had sour gummy worms and Red Bull today says, "Crap I better start looking on Pinterest for theme ideas now, and if we have nice weather we can do this outside, and I can order decorations from Etsy, and we can make cupcakes, and we can borrow some animals from a friend and we can have a petting zoo in the front yard, and and and...."  My inner Martha demon takes over and off we go.  I'll keep you posted.

Moving back to India.  (The small child, not the large country.)  There were balloons, and an Elmo theme.  When I say theme, we got her 1 Elmo balloon and an Elmo cake with some matching plates and napkins. She wore an Elmo t shirt and we called it good.  Because I know next week she will probably hate Elmo, and move on to Dora or who ever is next in line.  I can't remember.

My Mom and Calla before the party.

My Dad babysitting the Elmo balloon, because God forbid something happen to the Elmo balloon.  (We didn't drug Rusty, he was good...sort of.)

Mattie resting her twat.  No not on the cheap Target pillows.  The Pottery Barn ones of course.

Dave's mom and sister came over as well, but sadly I didn't snap any photos of them.  Everyone else related was at the Bronco game getting their Tebow on.  

"Come on now give me the damn balloon it's my party."

  

"Let's light this bad boy up."

"Um, y'all.... I'm 2 wtf am I supposed to do now cause you lit my cake on fire?" 

Rusty: "I smell cake, just blow out the stinkin candles already so I can eat the CAKE!"

That pretty much sums up the obligatory birthday pics.  Off to crawl into bed because 7 degrees is cold and I am tired.  

Check back in soon.  I have stories about opossums and pointe shoes, but not necessarily together.  

XOXO